Hala: jazzygirlhal livejournal posts

Jun. 6th, 2006 04:54 am Don't let your housing bubble burst

This was a subject line of my email yesterday and I thought it appropriate for what my family has just been through the past few days. It was Wednesday afternoon when we got the eviction notice, no I don't mean the noticed to quit. I mean the notice from the Sheriff saying that we have 48 hours before they come to take possession of the premises. The story started a long time ago but as I try not to complain about the injustice I often encounter, I haven't written about it.

It was weird because at work I am gearing up for peak again as the retreat I am responsible is now a month away. I will write more about this amazing retreat later. I have also agreed to help a friend who has three children, Khalila's best friend, and twin one year olds, so that is about 30 hours on top of my madness at work. Add on my family, and add on the new position of resident directors (which has included events at the president of a local college, interviews with newspapers, meeting the scholars and their hosts, and their family, and the board, spending a weekend at the house covering for the resident director who is leaving, lunches with perspective students for next year, etc.

Needless to say Mama Lili is a supremely busy woman, and although it must be done, I sometimes wonder when I can be more available to do crafties, music, nature, loveins, shower, and connect with the friends I love and miass. Okay back to the subject, despite the time demands on me, I managed to not let myself get thrown off, or upset about being kicked out. We spent the first 24 hours digging for boxes, buying tons of tape, and packing. We are lucky enough to be able to put our stuff in the basement of our new home (which we can move in to on the 1st of July) We were loading the truck when the Sheriff got back to town and returned our call. He was nice and happy to hear that we were in the process of moving, saving him the hassle of getting a truck, movers, and carrying away our stuff at a tremendous cost to us. He also gave us the weekend, which helped take some pressure off, but we were already loading the minivan and borrowed van.

The whole time, I was grateful that I had 48 hours notice, that I had the resources to box up my things and transport them. Josh and I did most of it by ourselves, I have many wonderful friends, but it seems like the need more notice for an emergency. No worries, I only reached out to a couple of my many many friends. We didn't need help, we did it. I hired someone who is down on their luck to help us actually move on Friday, he helped for about four hours. Though it was a challenging situation, to be facing living in our car with a three year old, I knew how privileged I am. I was painfully aware of the millions of people displaced in history, and in the present. Africans back to the slave trade, to today in Rwanda, and Sudan. The ethnic cleansing where people are forced from their lands under threat and carried out death. The Jewish people during Hitler's mass destruction. The natives during the trail of tears. Katrina, Tsunami, Earthquakes. All of these brothers and sisters, and I had no self pity, for in comparison, there is no comparison, my life is amazingly easy. This perspective kept me going and left no room for complaint.

So we are presently camped out in the living room of my mother. My mother and sister are not smoking in the common areas, and keeping their bedroom doors closed tight as to not expose us to the smoke. We would be in a tent, but it is too cold for my run down body. So far I am winning the battle with my immune system, of course I have only slept 5 hours in the past two days, so I may soon lose the battle. So our housing bubble did burst, but something beautiful has come out of it. A re appreciation of my spouse, for when the going gets tough, he hankered down and came through ( as opposed to running, or blaming me) We are also saving June rent so now we can afford to get caught up a bit and to go on a date:)

May. 25th, 2006 02:29 am ABC Resident Directors

Josh and I are the new resident directors for the ABC house in our town. I am so excited, for I am made to be part of a larger family. Khalila is already calling them her brothers. ABC stands for A Better Chance and it is a national program that places 500 students. It places students who are under represented in higher education and who come from disadvantaged school systems. Our house is a male house, there are 8 young men and they are great. Josh is also going back to Grad. school, the same program that we both started in 2004. It's a year intensive, Master's and teacher certification. I will write more about our lives later.

Apr. 23rd, 2006 04:39 pm The hair on my lip

Another thing about PCOS is that it is hormonal
and the pancreas makes a lot of the hormone insulin
but my FSH levels are low and so my body produces
androgen, male hormones, possibly even testosterone.

I preface this when I write what my baby girl said 10 minutes ago.

When I type she usually ends up standing on the chair,
cradling my back. She looks seriously at my face to
point out what she thinks is a pimple or a mole, which
I lovingly refer to as angel kisses. She catches a glance
at my upper lip, touches it and says

"oh no mama, you have a beard"

Apr. 23rd, 2006 04:28 pm Polycystic Ovarian Syndromme

After years of irregular periods and other symptoms,
I have finally been diagnosed with PCOS.
The scary part is that 40% of women with
PCOS will have type II diabetes by the age
of 40. The bigger picture starts to come
into view. Maybe this is the gift of my
infertility, to understand the risks of my
lack of insulin sensitivity and do something
about it before diabetes is the conclusion.
I am hoping it is not too late, and that my
insulin levels are still in the prediabetes
stage. I guess with PCOS I am at increased
risk of cardiovascular issues and hypertension.

My local OBGYN has done as much as they can
do so I am seeing a specialist at Baystate
in Springfield. It looks promising. I will
keep all of my loyal readers up-to-date on that.

Apr. 23rd, 2006 04:18 pm Ave Maria

One of my grandmother's two favorite songs.
Schubert's Ave Maria. My dear Grammy has been
dead for four years now, long enough that my
almost three year old will never me the flesh
and bones version of her. This happens to be
the case with most of my family so I keep them
alive through stories, and things like when I
tickle Lili I usually attribute it to Uncle Jon.
The past week I have been missing my Gram fiercely.

Khalila recognizes it and says "That's Grandma Gigi's song.
So yesterday I didn't sing along and just listened to
Khalila sing it (by the way, I have to get that on tape)
and in the middle of the part she knows she stopped to
tell me "Grandma Gigi says 'good singing Lili'"

Connected to my Grandmother, I started crying, it was
so beautiful.

Apr. 9th, 2006 03:18 am Oh no she didn't

Here are a few of my "oh no she didn'ts" from today.
Disclaimer is that Mama has been super duper busy
putting together a national youth conference and
a show that would kick off the weekend. Busy busy and
lots to do. Khalila comes to the theater shows, open mics,
and dances.

Tonight we were watching WEBO, an amazing artist from New
Orleans perform and she first says "I want to go with Quest,
Quest is my boyfriend." Quest is the son of Steven Sapp and
Mildred Ruiz, of Universes fame, not to mention all the other
amazing stuff they have done.

Hello, when did Khalila learn the word boyfriend, and why
does she have the mischievous grin on when she says it?

Next thing made me cry, about an hour and a half in, and
I tell you, she was great, I am so proud of her, but at that
moment she whispered "I miss Daddy" and I replied, "we'll see
Daddy soon, Daddy loves you, and Mama loves you."
tell me how she said "no you don't, you don't love me, you leave me."
Silent tears fell, as i didn't want the beautiful bundle in my lap
know the power of her words, not in terms of her feeling guilty and
trying to take them back.

I am glad she said what she said for it is a marker as to how she
is perceiving the world and it is important that I know these things,
however, I can't stand that I have to work during this critical time
in her life. I pray that she is not developing an abandonment issue
that will last the rest of her life. I need to help her understand that
well, i don't know, I just need to love her as much as i possibly can
and make the moments that we have together matter.

I couldn't help but wonder if I should have married a man or woman who
would be able to earn enough to let me be home with the babies.
Cast aside, don't dwell on the what ifs, focus on your baby girl and
the rest will fall into place.

Mar. 30th, 2006 07:54 am Happier thoughts

A couple of my favorite Lili statements from the past.

Although it could break my heart if she said it more then that one day is
"you don't love me mama" as she stomped up the stairs, at 2 1/2.

Also the infamous "my nuts hurt mama"

And "that girl is making me so nervous" as she avoids a neighborhood 13 year old.

Of course, it is her inflection, and her expression that really make these statements endearing.

Khalila's friend Tea is having an article done about her in a magazine and they want to take pictures of her playing with her friends, so her mama Malu invited Khalila to be a part of the photo shoot as she is Tea's best friend. It is cute how many of the kids consider Khalila their best friend in her school. Malu was saying how Khalila was such a mother to Tea, they are 8 months apart.

As I thought about it I realized again how amazing Khalila is, and how lucky this world is that she is here. I won't put expectation on her, but if she continues to connect with and touch people the way she already has in under three years then wow. At school, every since day one she provides nurturing for the children that are sad when their parents leave, she helps those that fall, that cry, she holds hands with the shy ones to engage them, she helps the others put their shoes on, and unzip their lunchboxes. Her teachers are smitten, and Khalila has prompted one of them to have another child. Of course I told her if she gets pregnant before me, then I cannot talk to her anymore (just kidding, kinda)

I sometimes think Khalila should be onstage or in commercials, this idea came first from tons of people saying that when she always smiled as a baby, then it came when she exclaimed "Mama, these are the most delicious cookies we made" as she danced around. Also Shirley Temple has nothing on her, Khalila knows four different dance styles, she tumbles, she sings and makes up these incredible melodies, and she is a little actress, whenever she wants to make a point her facial expressions are priceless. Add her memory, her easy goingness, and her friendliness and I know she would have a place in that world.

However, I have seen the worst of what that world can do, and never want my bay girl to think that I am either living my dreams through her, or that I exploited her. So she will remain a local artist, until she is old enough to convince me otherwise, if that is to be her path.

I know this is like proud mama moment, and I hope it's not received negatively, but Khalila is too darn adorable not to have an entry dedicated to that. Seriously though, trying to lighten up since my last entry.

Mar. 28th, 2006 11:53 am Mama's heart is breaking

I know the title is a bit dramatic but...
Another stick reads negative.
How many inseminations?
How many ovulation kits?
Peeing on how many sticks?
How many pills to ovulate?
How many pills to menstrate?
How many tears are shed?
How many pregnant women do I know?
I have been handling it well until all of the sudden
I broke down. I say change my perspective
Breath, you are all right.
Look at your healthy children
S, K, and K.
Look at them, safe and sound,
never having the horror of a kidnap
never having the horror of lukemia,
having lived through the horror of
incest and rape, luckily one of them
is healing and I know they will prevail.

I need to understand that the universe has
a different plan for me know and not let
my heart be broken. I love being a mother
more then anything else. I want my kids to
have each other, and a lot of each others
to depend on when they get older.
I guess next step is In vitro fertilization.
I need to be grateful that I live in a time
when there is treatment for infertility.
I need to be grateful that Khalila blessed
my thought to be infertile body.
I need to be grateful for my other kids that
I love as if I birthed them.
I need to be grateful that I am in the
training for foster parenting and will
expand my family, one way or another.
I need to understand...

Mar. 26th, 2006 08:17 pm Blessings Be

I never take the time to write in this journal, well here I am to change my ways. I miss the time I used to spend reflecting with the computer. I certainly still reflect but there is something to preserving it.

Khalila and her sayings,
"I don't believe it" about anything that strikes her fancy.
"Hell to the no" okay, that's my fault, but I stopped saying it a while ago.
"Don't forget the kisses, don't forget the hugs" whenever one of us leaves.
"Mama, I want to tell you a tory, ssss tory" We are working on her sounding the letter s in front of a consonant. chool, ponge, tory, top, tage, nuggle. The s in front of a vowel is easy for her.
"Oh Snap" when something falls or the like.

Kevon and his cuteness
Ten years old and still climbs on my lap.
Lovingly taking care of Khalila.
Waiting his compliment if he hears me give one to Lili.
Attempting the spins on his head.
The fierce concentration he gives when he sings.

Khalila loves to clean, to cook, to play the piano, to dance, to step, to sing, to play with her baby girls Kanana and Higirl.

Today at the YMCA, everyone thought Khalila was a boy, the daycare provider said "he was so adaptable, and he is so bright" then we when to the plaing structure where a few more people said he this, he that. Then there was the four year old that decided she was a boy, and called her Jon. Of course I let Kevon dress her, and perhaps the clothes come from the boy section. I don't believe in all of that nonsense. I have bought her some adorable outfits from the boy section. My favorite is the suit with a tie, pictures to come when I get myself another camera.

I miss my baby girl so much, I can barely stand it. This huge conference and performance will be done in two weeks time, and then I can reclaim a bit of my life back. Hang on little missy, soon mama will be more available, I promise.

Mar. 14th, 2006 01:07 am An email about Mamahood

Mothers

After 21 years of marriage, My wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

"What's wrong, are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded, "Just the two of us." She thought about it for a
moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too,
seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's.

"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print.

Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It
was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said.

"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation---nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home.

"Very nice; much more so than I could have imagined," I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I din't have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An
attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son."

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.

Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till
"some other time."

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby....somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.

Somebody said yu learn how to be a mother by instinct....somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring....somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"....somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices....somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother....somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first....somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books....somebody never had a child
stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery....somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten...or on a plane headed for military "boot camp"...or off to college.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back....somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her....somebody isn't a mother.

Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life. I think we should also pass it on to anyone who has ever loved and/or lost a
mother.

Jan. 3rd, 2006 01:57 pm Infertile Hello

The title is truly infertile hell, but I added the O
to soften it somehow.
i
have
been
struggling
and
suffering
with
infertility
for
two
years.
Pain that is unbearable
as I am denied
making a family
for my daughter.
A list of
67, no exaggeration
women who have
conceived as I
have struggled
to do so.
The even more
painful reality
of going through
two abortions with
relatives, while
I desperately trying
to get pregnant.
Also the
lost crackhead
friend of mine
who birthed two
babies, both addicted
in 2005. Both boys
taken by the state,
along with her other
four children. Yet
I can't conceive.
Some say, you have
one, you should be
grateful. It is
because I have the
one that it is so
important to have
more. I was apathetic
of my infertility before
Khalila, using excuses
of overpopulation, and
my work of saving many
children. i am afraid
i am becoming bitter,
and angry at the universe.
i don't know how to be
at peace with my
uncooperative ovaries.
I take this horrible
medicine to menstruate,
I take more
medicine to ovulate.
Pee on expensive sticks
with no surge of the
needed hormone.
Months of treatment
without success. Next
came the inseminations,
and still no babies.
Ugh, way, when I am
such a great mom. I know
I need to improve, like
not do all the housework,
and learn to say no, but
the mama part is so amazing.
I have yet to be frustrated
by my baby girl, and that is
weird. I am frustrated by
the poverty, by the addicts
in my family, by the injustice
in the world, and by my
infertility. However I am
blessed with this perception,
that when Lili is going through
her tantrums, that they are
not about me, but they are
her way of figuring the world
out, her way of claiming
independence, her way of
trying to get her way.
Why, when motherhood is
the role that fits me best,
the role I was born to fulfil,
the role that brings me
more joy and peace then I
have known in my life, why
must I be denied. I try to
say, now I can understand
the pain of infertile couples.
I had no idea how absolutely
heart breaking it was, now
I do. I find no comfort in that
I have used that to justify
childhood incest, alcoholic
and drug addicted care-giver,
a birth defect on my lip that
caused me to be tormented,
the murder of my brother,
the racism of the
white side of my family,
the disappearance of my
sister, the death of so
many more, the suicide
attempts starting at ten,
the hospitalizations after
D left, the...the...the...
all of the pain
that I have endured, I try to
say it is for me to better
understand someone else's pain,
but that excuse is wearing thin.
The births are happening,
weekly, and of course
I am happy for the
miracles, but oh how it
is a double edged sword.
Then I think
i
am
hateful
for
feeling
the pain
of
infertility
shade
my
happiness
for
others.

Dec. 6th, 2005 05:53 pm Mama almost died

My mother had been acting loopy since
the day before. An occasional occurence
when she would abuse her medication.
After a second full day of it I decided
to get her to the ER, after conferring
with the doctor. So the call was made.
Rude ambulance drivers rushed mama off.
I waited for what seemed forever while
they couldn't, or wouldn't find my mama.
Apologetically they finally let me to her.
This time she wasn't hooked up to the
respirator and they weren't throwing the
letters DNR around. She was still no
compus mentus, and the doctors keep
asking, "is this her baseline?" NO
no no no I tell them, she is just as
coherent as I am right now, she has
not lost her faculties.

Later she tries to sign out AMA,
they discovered she has an infection
but can't find the source. She says
give me my antibiotics and send me on
my way. The doctors tell her
"If you leave tonight, you will die"
They ask me if I can't get her to stay.
I manage to make it happen, by getting
a bit sassy, but she was being selfish.
So she had pneumonia that infected her
blood, she was septic and they say 50%
of the people that come in that septic
die. She stayed about 10 days and was able
to get healthier. She switched doctors,
Yeehaw, no more of the trips to Boston
every three weeks.

She has a pain management specialist,
a pulmonologist, an immunologist, and
a general practitioner. Hopefully things
will turn around.

Nov. 27th, 2005 12:59 pm Thanksgiving Day of Mourning

My family has always recognized the history of genocide of the native people of the Americas by boycotting Thanksgiving to some extent. When I found out there was an organization that gathered and recognized this, I wanted to go. This year, probably the worst weather yet, we went. In this country there are many destructive lies in place that help others to be opressed, repressed, and
discrimintated against. One of which is the lie of thanksgiving. The first official "Day of Thanksgiving" was proclaimed in 1637 by Governor Winthrop. He did so to celebrate the safe return of men from Massachusetts who had gone to Mystic, Connecticut to participate in the massacre of over 700 Pequot women, children, and men.

Today on some reservations the conditions are horrendous where life expectancy is 42 and graduation rates are 23%. What is that. These are my people, my ancestors, and what am I doing to help them?

Once I had a baby girl, I fought with what to do, celebrate the tradition, or expose the lies. Why not both. So we have our thankful feast on Friday, because I love the idea of dedicating a day to gratitde, and to being thankful for each other. Of course, this should be everyday, but some of us need the reminder.

Oct. 27th, 2005 12:48 pm Domestic frustration

What can you do for the woman who is not ready to leave?
As a child I sat powerless as my mother was the target
of his rage. Feeling the fights physically in my soul,
I stayed silent. As a teen, once again, I knew not how
to protect my two sisters from the wrath of their men.
Decidedly I stayed away from relationships as to not end
up a punching bag. That was until a special love came and
made me feel safe enough to love.
Once my nephew was born I found the strength to go and
remove that beautiful baby from the hatred. Of course
then i turn their anger on me, but I will do anything to
protect a child from suffering. Frustration comes when now
I have to admit that my sister usually starts the fights
and the physicality. She ends up with men that eventually
hit back. Expect for the one who dumped her when he felt
that anger growing within him.
A few nights ago there was another "beating" and an attempt
to kill them both in the car. Her son, my nephew, was drawn
into it by her crying, ranting, raving, etc. This left little
man hateful, wanting to enact revenge on his mother's "ex"
boyfriend. I brought her to the police station, just to have
her change her mind the next day. Just to have them together
like nothing has happened, while the rest of the family is still
wounded from taking care of the drama queen who dragged us all in.
When will it stop, and how can I help little man understand
something I barely understand myself.

Oct. 9th, 2005 05:38 pm The marriage

Last week I wed my partner of seven years.
We have a child, we have a life together,
we have a love, and we see a future.
So on the anniversary of Gandhi's birthday
we wed. Hoping to be messengers of peace
and love in our union and individually for
the world to draw from.

The night before the wedding my husband's father
decided to call and spread hate. He said I was
racist, paranoid, disrespectful, ungrateful,
irresponsible, and abusive. There were other
things in there but it was overall horrible.
It seems to me that nothing in my life will
be easy at first. Ut oh, sounds like paranoid
thinking. Why my father in law chooses 12hours
before our nuptials to voice this is beyond me.
Well, not really, it is just his style.

It was painful and we cried quite a bit. I
uninvited him to our wedding, he had threatened
Josh with not being able to contain himself
when the question of anyone objects to this union.
We put it in a positive way anyhow. In the end
I decided I loved Josh more then I dislike his
father so I left the decision up to him. The
poetic justice was the traffic on the pike
that caused them to miss it anyway.

The ceremony transcended the nonsense,
the weather was perfect and we became
one. We are planning a big ceremony
for the summer.

Sep. 2nd, 2005 09:09 am

Lost in this swirling whirling world.
Angry black woman unleashed as poverty
has taken it's toll. As addictions, as
violence, as despair, mount in the hearts
of those I love. My dearest daughter of
love was raped twice by my son of love.
She was forced to have an abortion, so my
infertile ass had to sit in that clinic
with twenty women who are blessed with
the ability to get pregnant but cursed with
the wrong circumstance and timing.
My baby girl wasn't ready for the abortion,
she wasn't ready to see her baby in a cup
on the counter. Which in reality is
probably placenta, but to her, it was her
baby. DNA evidence collected from the aborted
fetus to prosecute the rapist I have loved
since he was in diapers. She said her soul
is dead, gone forever. We wept together as
I told her it was from the pain, and that
it wasn't dead. I pray I wasn't lying to her.
Pieces of us do die when we withstand the
unbearable.

Jul. 9th, 2005 05:22 pm Breast cancer

There is was once again,
the dreaded lump...
I've always hated the
vulnerability
that came with having
protruding proclamations
of womanhood.
It used to be,
the anguish was caused by
external reasons;
wandering eyes
settling there,
making me feel so
ashamed;
inappropriate hands
groping them in
crowded subways and
darkened hallways,
making me feels so
dirty and objectified.
Now it seems
the shame
comes from within.
The internal composition
of this tissuey mass
that rests on my ribs
is the cause of my distress.
This is the third time
the damn lump
has come to claim
my breast as its domain.
Twice before I've had
the un-welcomed visitor
hacked out.
Can I allow the scalpel
to thrice sever
my breast;
or will I let this
uncontrollable growth
continue invading
the symbol of my
womanhood
and perhaps
eventually
overthrow
the woman?

I wrote this ten years ago.
My mother-in-love has just gone
through two rounds of surgeries.
The margins are still messy so
in 10 days, she will have a
mastectomy. She has been amazing
and in a healing circle we had for her
this was a quote from her.

"with all of this love the poor cancer doesn't stand a chance."

The power of positive perspective.

Jul. 5th, 2005 11:08 am Shout out from Michigan

We drove out to Michigan on my birthday
to celebrate my grandfather in law's
90th birthday. The reunion has been full
of singing and laughing, and swimming, and
being. Khalila is lucky to have a huge
family on her dad's side that love to get
together and do so. Eldon is 90 and his
four siblings are all alive, they came
with their children, and grandchildren...
Needless to say lots of family. In contrast
to my small biological family of four,
the two addicts, and the two children.
I am grateful to consider my friends
to be my family. That is how I will keep
from crying, as my mother is suicidal and
a sister in a tailspin.

On to the happy shoutouts,

Tinabear, I miss you much, I am
glad Alaska is good to you, but,
Massachusetts isn't the same without you.
Happy Birthday Cancermate. I have been
camping and was unable to let you know
before know, but you are with me.

Jojo, Happy Birthday to you soon, real soon.
We are only 90 miles apart and never see
each other, I miss you like crazy cakes
and hope that we can chill soon.

Niners, Congratulations on finishing
school. I am proud of you mama extrodinaire.
I can't wait to hang out with the girls at
a park. Do the mama talk while the cuties
play and get to know each other.

Love to all.

Jun. 20th, 2005 05:41 pm One month has passed

Khalila is 25 months today.
She is completely adorable and
made my life the other day when
she was looking at my stomach
and started to say repeatedly
"pretty belly mama"
Tomorrow is Kevon's last day of school.
My mother in law is having another
surgery for breast cancer tomorrow.
We are hopeful,if this next one
doesn't get it all, she is
going to get a mastectomy.

We have a family reunion coming
up, Khalila's Great Grandpa is
90 years old. So off we go to
Ann Arbor at the end of the month.

Jun. 3rd, 2005 02:39 pm So Long Ago

It was so long ago that I wrote the last entry.
Khalila is now two and just a cute as all that.
I love that when I put her Dora baseball cap on
with the front facing front, that she always turns
it around. I love that she surprises me with
Thank you mama, constantly. I love the way she
looks when she sucks her finger, instead of her
thumb (although it also concerns me) I am out
of denial that I can run the business from home
while watching her. Time to find a mother's helper.

Cooking up a play date with Graciemama.

Love to all.

Jul. 5th, 2005 11:08 am Shout out from Michigan

Jun. 20th, 2005 05:41 pm One month has passed

Jun. 3rd, 2005 02:39 pm So Long Ago

Apr. 25th, 2005 12:13 pm

Here is a picture I came across,
My role was of "Mom" and I was living
on the rez with a baby girl who was brain
damaged from lack of oxygen when she
fell in the water while my alcoholic
mother was watching her. I end up
killing myself after a car accident
and years of addiction. I found
someone to take care of my baby
before I checked out.

http://www.umass.edu/umassmag/archives/1998/summer_98/sum98_art_coyote.html

I was once the lead in this play called "House of Wives"
it was interesting because Josh was in "Yerma" that same semester.
"Yerma" is Lorca's tale of a barren woman whose husband is
horrible to her over her inability to bear his child.
"House of Wives" is Gallier's tale of a barren woman
whose husband takes a second and third wife to have
the sons she cannot bear.

I was the lead "Taos" in "House of Wives" and I at the time
believed myself to be infertile. I was able to bring
truth to that role and have recently been thinking about
Taos as I am now diagnosed as having secondary infertility.
The link for that (which may or may not work) is

http://www.umass.edu/theater/images/pastbig.house.jpg

I miss acting. I think perhaps I will look for a
project to do this summer or for the fall.

I almost forgot, six pounds down...

Apr. 24th, 2005 11:40 pm What next?

Perhaps the charter school fellowship.
Perhaps teaching in Springfield.
Perhaps opening a music studio and teaching.
Perhaps fostering or adopting.
Perhaps publishing some poetry.
Perhaps getting down to my goal weight.
Perhaps acting or working for NWT.
Hopefully expanding our family.
Hopefully finishing three "started" scrapbooks.
Hopefully freeing ourselves a bit financially.
Hopefully writing my mother's memoirs.
Hopefully travelling a bit.
Hopefully making a variety of knitting projects.
Hopefully spending many sun filled days with the kids.
Hopefully finding my big sister Cindy.
Hopefully getting married (date to be determined.)
Definitely loving my family and friends.
Definitely spending more time with them.
Definitely cultivating a successful home business.
Definitely exercising,stretching, and sweating.
Definitely finishing writing my play.
Definitely singing and singing and giving a concert.
Definitely being in awe of Shay, Kevon, and Lili.
Definitely visiting my nephew in Virginia.
Definitely growing a garden this summer.
Definitely looking for a new home.
Definitely paying more attention to my toes.
Definitely achieving my short term goals.

Apr. 24th, 2005 11:17 pm How we learn

We learn

10% of what we read.
30% of what we see.
50% of what we both see and hear.
70% of what we discuss with others.
80% of what we experience personally.
95% of what we teach to someone else.

I saw this on a teacher's door recently and
copied it down. I find that this represents
me fairly well, of course I don't know the
percentages, but I know about my retention.

Education on the brain,
educatoin in my fingertips,
edu, edu, edu, edu, edu...

CATION.

Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:36 pm Three weeks

Three weeks until all of my work is due.
Three weeks until my Master's work is complete.
Three weeks and seven days until Lili is two.
Three weeks and eight days until graduation.
Three weeks minus five days until Josh's birthday.
Three weeks and four days until Shayshay's quincenera.
Three weeks and three days until my boobear moves 4500 miles away.
Three weeks minus two weeks until Margaret Cho.
Three weeks minus 13 days until Ani DiFranco.
Three weeks is only twenty-one days.

Apr. 11th, 2005 10:38 am Blessings be to all the babies To my mami's that are due next month, continued love and energy. To my mami's at the beginning of their journey's blessings flow. Spring is in the air and life is beautiful.

Mar. 27th, 2005 10:19 pm

"It's special because I know how much she loves me more then anyone else would know,
because I heard her heart beat from the inside."
I heard this quote today on yes, a lifetime movie "Mom at sixteen"
She decided to give her five month old up for adoption open style.
Seeing as how at least two of my darling children will be adopted,
if not four (my personal hope) I have considered the different forms
of adoption. Most likely our children will come from Africa, as that
continent will have the most need. There will be a projected
40 million orphans by the year 2010. AIDS is wiping out the parental
connection, but miraculously enough, I think only about 15% of the children
born to HIV/AIDS mothers are born with the virus. As we work hard (heehee)
to conceive or last child (due to constraints on the globe as we not only
replace ourselves but overpopulate the world (no offense to any parents out there
who have thirteen children (honestly I would if I could.) We are actively pursuing
our adoption possibilities so we have considered open adoption versus other options.\
I am glad I saw some of the moments of this show for it provided me with another
perception. Anyway, off to prepare for tomorrow. I am teaching a grad. course
for the day in race, socio-economic, and gender issues in education. I am
excited about the curriculum's I am designing, one for teachers how to
incorporate a culturally responsive curriculum and the arts in their
lesson planning. The second for prisoners and possibly for high school
about overcoming violence and living with emotions. Oky-doky, time to
get back to homework. What is it, eight weeks and counting....

Master's degree, here I come. Watch out, I mean to defy most of the
stereotypes that exist about me. :)

Mar. 17th, 2005 01:46 pm Khalila stole the show

Last night at the Multicultural Fair
My friend's African dance troupe was
performing and Khalila was fighting me
to go and dance with the other kids.
I held her back and she was jumping
while dancing and the crawling to get
away from me. Tashina came and took
Khalila and then let her go. Khalila
joined to dancers and had the whole
audience in stiches. She was adorable
jumping up and down, shaking her shoulders
doing the Shakira dance. She was loving
it. Out of control. I eventually had
to go get her off the stage because the
kids were doing their solo's and she
was stealing the show. After the principal
said to give a big hand for the youngest
dancer and she went back onstage applauding
and starting playing the drums. I am more
sure then ever that I should have stuck
to my idea and named her Ayita. It is
Cherokee and it means "first in the
dance." She has been dancing since she was
a few days old moving her hands and feet
whenever she heard a beat. It's beautiful
because I swear I was a dancer in a former life.
It is in my soul and to see Khalila enjoying
her body and dancing freely makes me so happy.
It's her joy and she found it without my
influence. That makes me even happier,
she's not living my dream, she's making
her own reality.

Mar. 10th, 2005 12:40 pm Happy Birthday Brother

Dear Jon,

Happy Birthday to you. It's wierd, who knew that when I told you happy birthday in 1997 that it would be the last time you would ever hear me say it. I tell Khalila many tales of you, my big brother and her Uncle. Your son is getting so grown up, just about 15. I named my web center business after the name of the last company you worked for. That way your spirit is with us and you are a part of this. I imagine that you are somewhere and aware of all of these things. You live forever in my laugh, in my thoughts, in my comfort, in my pain, in my everything, in me. We inter-are as they say and thank you for being the bestest big brother. Your murderer is still in jail, and hopefully healing so that he will never kill again. I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living (and beyond) my brother you'll be.

Lil' sis

Mar. 10th, 2005 12:28 pm Tuesday's Tales

The blizzard that threatened to bury us in snow came that day.
Mother had her monthly appointment in Cambridge.
I arranged for my sister to bring her, because I cannot
miss my class on Tuesdays and the only appointment she could
get was 3 and my class is at 4.
All's well that ends well, but not so smoothly.
My sister's car broke down in Westminster in this storm.
My 97 pound terminally ill mom, my 97 pound nine year old nephew,
and my sister, all stranded, in the cold.
I jumped in my car and drove the scariest drive. I had to take
rte 2 to get to them, but 202 was so windy, hilly, and covered with snow.
My windshield wipers kept accumulating ice so I could only see barely, by
standing up and finding the inch of visibility. I couldn't pull over
on 202 and was under pressure. If my mother missed the doctor, she
would be in the hospital. After 12 years of highly addictive pain
medication, her body would be in horrible withdrawal.
I cried as I drove, as my father died in less of a storm.
I cried because I was risking the life of my baby's mother.
Khalila needs me, and I was scared of being killed.
Needless to say we made it, the trip was about nine hours in total, but
my family is safe.

Mar. 7th, 2005 12:24 pm Things that make you go hmmm

What do you do when your exgirlfriend tells you she still loves you???
Yikes, no one could have told me I'd be here ten years ago.
She was in my every breath, she was wound in my dna,
Everything was her, her, her,
and now, it's weird, for the love isn't there
not like that, what comes up is that past adoration
the first love stuff that is so intense almost
nothing can compare. I want to be her friend, but
I hope she can keep it in control.
As much as I complain about my present love, I
am not even close to being ready to give up on it.
My life is an interesting one.

Niners, thanks for the heads up about hip mama.

Jojo, still hearing your songs, and seeing your adorable niece.

Feb. 16th, 2005 12:44 pm Updates

Long time no entry.
Three months away from my Master's degree
my baby's 2nd birthday, and my recital.
Just started a home based business a month
ago so I have been a very busy bee.
Leadership training in Florida was
unbelievable, I am ready to succeed
in every area of my life.
Have just seen the season of the
L word, twice, and I love it.
I am so close to ordering Showtime
just so I can see season two, but I
will wait until the business picks up.
Stonewall will be showing them at
movie night, so I won't have to wait
too long. Down two sizes in my
journey to get my body back.

Blessings are flowing and I am receptive.
Life is good, and love is great.
I will be at the upcoming Joya concert.

Jan. 30th, 2005 10:17 am Welcome to the world Mia I just checked Marc's photo's and saw the most beautiful baby girl. How precious this little baby girl is. I know Sam will be the bestest big brother ever. And Auntie Jojo's little loves expands.

Jan. 28th, 2005 11:39 am Time to catch up

Long time since I have been here.
Let me see, January flew by.
I have made the sanest choice for
school, I am not doing the practicum.
Yeehaw, that gives me 45 hours to
get stuff done. I will still earn
my Master's by May, I just won't be
certified to teach. We never intended
for me to teach in September. First
we were hoping to have the newest member
of our family here. Secondly I want to
earn my doctorate. Thirdly on and on.
I started a work at home business recently.
The name of my company is Spirit and for now
I am a website consultant.

Lili continues to be a joy. She has six teeth
at 20 months, and is able to eat anything.
Last semester I took 18 credits, had an organ
removed, and had an evil mentor teacher.
This semester I am taking 9 credits (so far),
have no chance of a wicked mentor, and as far
as I know will keep all of my organs.

Yesterday while bringing my mother to her monthly
appointment in Boston we broke down. What good is
having AAA+ if they make you wait 3 1/2 hours in the
cold. The first truck they sent couldn't do the job.
The second truck never came and I recalled after
20 minutes became 1 1/2 hours. My mother was out
of oxygen and tried to lose it or be a stress ball.
Somehow I was calm and grateful through the whole
experience (grateful that I have a warm place to live,
and grateful that no one was hurt.)

I have been looking into clinic al trials and found one
for people with advanced emphysema where they remove
the dead parts of the lung leaving the rest of the
lung more able to function. My mother's had the virus
for almost 16 years, that is not what's killing her.
The respiratory distress is what is causing her the
most distress. For the first time in ages, I had this
crazy fantasy that she could be alive for like another
ten years or so. I am hoping this home business generates
enough capital that I can take care of her a little more.
I have been supporting her and it feels good, now if I could
do it without neglecting my debts...

Miss Ninabeara, I am sending you and your little munchkin
love, energy, and an invitation to see Dora Live:)

Jojo, Lili has gotten great at saying your name because we
watch Jojo's circus. I miss you like crazy cakes and just
left you a message.

Inua, dearest Inua, have I told you lately that I love you?

Dec. 18th, 2004 11:19 pm The Quadruplets have arrived

Cathy went into the hospital
just one week prior
due to high blood pressure.
Last Thursday the babies
came, the first at 9:11am.
Mama carried them one day
shy of 34 weeks, so they we
all 4 pounds, give or take a
few ounces. Papa already sent
out pictures of his four baby girls.
Alice Emersy
Autumn Noelle
Gracelyn Claire
Mollie Josephine
Blessed babies welcome to the world.

Dec. 18th, 2004 09:55 pm School list shortening

Due Monday:

Reflection 6
Reflection 7
Case Study

Reading Conference
Evaluation

Due sometime in January

Methods INC
Constructivism research paper
In Search of Understanding reflection
Looking In reflection
Video clips and response
One peer observations
Ten photos with captions
Multicultural Ed. position paper
Paperwork

Inclusion INC
Inclusion project (12 page paper)

Math INC
2nd & 3rd observations
Math reflections

Weekly reflective journal

So close, although I had wanted to finish
and take no INC's, I would rather take
the extra time and hand in polished products.
My math project ended up being 50 pages, and I
still want to add more. It was Making Math Meaningful;
A Study in Motivated Math Methods. I know a lot of M's

Let's see, I am pretty sure that I will not be
completing the practicum part of CTEP next semester.
This semester I have been successful on some levels,
I have completed the work against the odds.
Taught four days in a row. The INC's that I have are
me wanted to put my extra best effort in and the program
not being designed to do so. The areas in my life that
need me back and the sooner the better. My home is
missing my time for the deep cleaning and the
home cooking. My nephew has been feeling like hurting
himself and suicide and DSS got involved so he needs
me most of all. My god daughter got confused somewhere
along the way and got 2 D's. My mother is not doing
well. Buying gas and groceries on the credit cards
has turned into an interest nightmare.

I think you get the point. I have earned 24 Graduate
Level credits in 4 months, and I am tired.

I only need to take 9 credits next semester to have my
Mater's for May. Not completing the practicum only
means that I am not certified to teach. If I take the
teacher tests, then I can get certified while working.
We are trying to have a baby, so I wasn't going to be
teaching right away anyway. Also I intend to get my
Doctorate and am considering teaching teachers.

No practicum means 45 hours a week back. Not only that
but Lili bear has 30 hours a week in day care. I could
either get a job to help get us out of our debts, and/or
I could actually do my homework while she was in school.
It is so hard to give my attention to the computer, when
she and I would much rather I gave my attention to her.
Friday morning when I was finishing up the 50 page project
she was literally throwing things at the computer.

I think this no practicum is the answers to my prayers.
I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.

Jojobear, I am bummed I coulnd't make the holiday party
please continue to invite me, I will be there soon.
I have been thinking about you and sending my love.

Miss Niners, thank you so much for your card. You are
so good. I hope all is well and send you our love.

Inua, "ain't no sunshine when you're gone" miss you
like crazycakes and must see you this weekend.

Dec. 4th, 2004 11:36 pm

A little insane to list my work left, but doing it anyway.

Constructivism research paper
In Search of Understanding reflection
Looking In reflection
Video clips and response
Two peer observations
Two mentor observations
Two resource observations
Ten photos with captions
Multicultural Ed. position paper
Case study one with presentation
Case study two
Reflection five
Reflection six
Inclusion project (12 page paper)
Literature log
Inquiry project (15 min. presentation with handouts and paper)
Reading conference
Meta planning project (40 page project)
Math lesson for peers
2nd & 3rd observations
Math reflections
Math web resources, applets, lit, cultural
16 Lesson plans for lead teaching
Weekly reflective journal
Paper on progress towards goals
Paperwork

Tomorrow I am going to log on and hopefully be able to check off a few. This week means the end to two classes, so the pressure is on. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
I might be the teacher on Friday as my mentor will not be there and so I might substitute. Looking at my to-do list makes me think I am nuts for volunteering to do this. However the following Monday I will be the lead teacher for the week and will be being observed. It might be nice to stumble through and build confidence on my own on Friday without the pressure of being observed. Almost there, I can do this. One nice thing about next semester is it really is only 14 weeks, I am thinking I can do 14 weeks. I won't let myself quit when I am only 14 weeks away from my Master's and certification.
Time to get back to the list above.

Dec. 4th, 2004 11:26 pm Words of love

To my girlies,
and everyone else who needs a reminder.
Love you all.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most
frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing
small doesn't serve the World.
There's nothing anlightened about
shrinking so that other people won't
feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the
glory of God that is
within us.
It's not in just some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give others permission
to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson (used by Nelson Mandela 1994)

Nov. 29th, 2004 02:16 am Can we say no way

Today my laptop decided to smoke.
Why now. When will I learn to
back up my papers with more dilligence.
Depression and freaking out on the horizon.
Due this week above and beyond the regular grind.

Monday 5 page paper with presentation.
Tuesday 12 page paper
Wednesday 5 page paper
Thursday 50 page project
15 page paper
Not to mention about eight 3 page papers I am behind.

Not to mention the 15 page paper basically done only on the laptop,
a strong draft of the 12 page paper only on the laptop,
half of the 50 page project only on the laptop.

I have no idea why I thought grad. school would be a good idea.

I can barely keep my head above water when I am away for 32 hours, cannot contemplate surviving next semester that requires I be away for 56 hours.

I pray that the laptop can be fixed and recover my work within the week. I also vow to have learned my lesson about backing up. I am able to not lose it totally because in 100 years, my grades in grad. school will not matter. And as much as this totally s*cks, I would take this over so many other tragedies.

Breathing in, I will get through this, breathing out, not sure how, but I will.

Nov. 25th, 2004 10:52 am Happy and Thankful

Actively not celebrating Thanksgiving
as it is traditionally done.
Holding in my heart the
present day suffering of the
Natives living on reservations.
My friend is teaching
in the pine ridge res.
where life expectancy is 42
high school graduation rate
is 23% and alcoholism, and poverty
is overwhelming. I won't pretend
the Pilgrims and Indians dinner
was the Disney happy ending we
have come to be taught about.
Not wanting to miss the
opportunity to be thankful
for our health, our loved ones,
and so much more, lst year
we started the tradition of
Friday being our turkey day.
Last year I cooked 23 items,
all by myself. This year the menu
is a little less ambitious.
Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy
cranberry sauce, candied yams, squash,
dinner rolls, corn bread, veggies,
pumpkin pie, apple pie. This year it
it's only going to be Josh, Lili, Kevon
and myself, hopefully my sister.

A little silly but I realized that
when the kids are grown and are in
relationships (if they so choose)
they will be able to go to both
families, assuming the other family
celebrates, and on the actual day.

Ouch, Khalila is brushing my hair
and my snarls are many. I am so ready
to drop my program. I love my teacher
and everything is great. I am just
completely tired all the time.
Next semester it's five days a week and
in Springfield. That will be
fifty hours a week away from Lili.
Not to mention the six hours of class
and the tons of hours of homework.
I miss Lili like crazy cakes.
I am also done with being so
broke. I didn't take the Target
job, mostly because I couldn't
make the orientations. I am not
going to jeopardize grad. school
for $9.00 an hour.

Niners and Jojos, it has been
too long. I am sending youse
lovers and miassing youse like
mad.

Inua, I am hoping you are having
the best time bringing together
two of the worlds you love most.

Nov. 21st, 2004 06:35 pm Surprisingly happy

Working myself endlessly
to get my school work done.
Three weeks of classes:)
I got an A on my 11 page
science paper, so thrilled.
Friday was the deadline to
get Lili's paperwork in, ut-oh
I may have lost her spot in
day care. No good when
head start is forced to close.
Fingers crossed that tomorrow is
not too late.

I have a feeling like I am
entering a new phase of
confidence and "accomplishment"
what I mean by accomplishment
is getting certain things done.

I was depressed on Friday when
I was diagnosed with
secondary infertility.
I have faith and will write
more on that later.

Love you lots.
Be back soon.

Nov. 21st, 2004 06:34 pm Key Facts About American Children

August 2004

3 in 5 preschoolers have their mothers in the labor force.
2 in 5 preschoolers eligible for Head Start do not participate.
1 in 2 never complete a single year of college.
1 in 2 will live in a single parent family at some point in childhood.
1 in 3 is born to unmarried parents.
1 in 3 will be poor at some point in their childhood.
1 in 3 is behind a year or more in school.
1 in 4 lives with only one parent. Family living arrangements.
1 in 5 is born to a mother who did not graduate from high school.
1 in 5 was born poor.
1 in 5 children under 3 is poor now.
1 in 6 is poor now.
1 in 6 is born to a mother who did not receive prenatal care in the first three months of pregnancy.
1 in 7 children eligible for federal child care assistance through the Child Care and Development Block Grant receives it.
1 in 7 never graduates from high school.
1 in 8 has no health insurance.
1 in 8 lives in a family receiving food stamps.
1 in 8 has a worker in their family but still is poor.
1 in 9 is born to a teenage mother.
1 in 12 has a disability.
1 in 13 was born with low birthweight.
1 in 13 will be arrested at least once before age 17.
1 in 14 lives at less than half the poverty level.
1 in 35 lives with grandparents (or other relative) but neither parent.
1 in 28 is born to a mother who received late or no prenatal care.
1 in 60 sees their parents divorce in any year.
1 in 83 will be in state or federal prison before age 20.
1 in 146 will die before their first birthday.
1 in 1,339 will be killed by guns before age 20.

Nov. 12th, 2004 07:03 pm New day is dawning

The day of the wicked witch is over.
On Monday, my first day back after surgery.
Planet of the Apes lizard lady decided to
tear into me, chewed up and spit out
my tears washed away her venomous saliva
from the pieces of me I was able to retrieve.
I guess I won't go into the details.
I left the classroom and started bawling.
Straight to the director, she wasn't in.
Then to the email to tell the director
that I was through. If that meant
switching teachers, or dropping out.
I would no longer submit to the abuse.
At lunch when the attack persisted
I said I would rather speak with
a third person present. I also said that
I didn't feel safe. That's all she wrote.
I observed a wonderful woman on Wednesday.
I start Monday, now have to work twice
as hard to restore my name.
I haven't been happier, it wasn't
grad. school that was killing me
I was wench woman's energy, degradation,
total disrepect, disregard, disapproval,
that was eroding my soul.
I sit here pensive,
wondering if I should have
made the switch earlier.
Grateful that the switch is in progress.

What happened to my fellow ljers,
life is busy, busy, busy.
I miass you all.
The stiches have finally healed.

Nov. 3rd, 2004 01:45 pm Up to dates

Scared of another four years with
probable preemptions against peace.
Not to get political but . . .
Got a job working graveyard shift
unloading trucks heave-ho.
Only way to afford life in
Grad school with mother needing
my financial support. Go me,
I will find my Amazon strength
and perservere. Major decisions
in the works, o bla di o bla da ya
la la la la life go-oes on.
Five more weeks of classes and
Nine more weeks of practicum.
I think I can, I think I can...

Oct. 26th, 2004 08:46 am Happy Moments

Recent times I love....

Dancing in the livingroom with Khalila everyday.
DJA taking good caramel when I need it and let him.
Inua being my sister and getting to the hospital before me.
Getting to meet Weebie and immediately knowing how fabulous she is.
A visit with my moon sister who has found her smile again.
Apple picking, pumpkin carving, and Lili's ladybug costume.
Little sister getting closer and closer to rehab.
Playing the piano and singing more and more.
The autumn colors and knowing the chemicals that cause it.
Kevon's caring heart and loving energy the day I had surgery.
Khalila's excited dash into the classroom and happiness there.
My mother, her loving support and a year more then the doctors thought.

Oct. 26th, 2004 08:31 am Not to speak too soon

But October is almost over and it has been one of the best Octobers of my life...

For those who don't know,
October usually sucks.
My first October of life,
I lost my dad.
Subsequent Octobers followed suit.
Culminating to last October being
the hardest one of my life.
To swing to one of the betters is
a welcome change.
I was extremely mistaken to think
that surgery=rest or catch up time.
Now I am recuperated enough to
work on catching up.
We are putting together a
rescue mission to Florida to
help Grandpa Eldon cut up and
move the trees that came down
with the hurricane. A weekend trip.
After much consideration we have
decided to indulge in a
health club membership.
It will prolong our life,
and give us family time
sweating and swimming.
My mama has to move so that
will be one huge endeavor.
Ultimately I think it will help.
Stairs are too much for her.

Oct. 13th, 2004 06:44 am Wenchy lizard woman from planet of the apes strikes again

She was evil in a way I hadn't seen yesterday
She kept calling the students obnoxiuos,
with a penetrating disgust in her voice.
Her hateful glares singe the eyelashes,
as she smirks sadistically.
Yesterday a student was dicussing
his book and he said he thought
the character was brave for standing
up for herself, evil teacher told him
that was stupid and my heart broke.
The sacriest thought is to think
of how many teachers like this
are out there harming our children.
Ranting and raving,
even more weeks to survive.
Hard to think it's only been seven.
Deep down, sometimes deeper then others
I know she is suffering and is miserable.
I would pity her if she wasn't
taking it out on children.

Thanks for listening.
Love my Lili.

Oct. 11th, 2004 10:09 am Procrastination 1,2,3

Here I am blessed with a Monday
to get school work done. The weather
tempts me to procrastinate further.
Colorful trees dancing, Khalila
loves to watch the trees dance.
Next weekend apple picking,
scarecrow making, apple sauce cooking,
and apples pies. One of the last
weekends of farmer's market for
the season. Kevon pulled Josh
aside yesterday to ask him if the
two of them could work on a special
project today like building a volcano.
How sweet is that, their relationship
is in a good groove right now.
Back to Integrated Methods....

Oct. 10th, 2004 02:23 am Another week down

Great news of the week
1. It's over
2. In January we come back on the 24th instead of the 10th
3. J got his job back at the High School
4. Graciemama is feeling better
5. Inua got a job she likes
6. Caught up in 2 classes
7. Only 8 days with the witch in October
8. Surgery in 11 days (surgery=rest)
9. My mother is on antibiotics
10. The quadruplets are one week older
11. The leaves are amazing
12. Lili is so freakin' adorable
13. Kevon is so freakin' sweet
14. Got the brakes fixed and the belts changed
15. I'm still standing...

Oct. 4th, 2004 08:28 pm Oh Wow

She's having four babies
quadruplets, 22 weeks in
breath, pray for the health
of these blessed beings.
We both had a baby
Spring of 2003
Our lives parallel and
divert as she manifests
my dream
my soul, my heart,
dreams about the babies
my mind rationalizes
overpopulation,
not enough arms
to hold them
around the clock
like I did with Lili.
The money, the fact that
each child I birth
is one less I adopt.
I wrote a story
and had recurring dreams
about birthing
my four babies.
My intuition often
confuses one part
of the equation.
Hitting me hard
bad day with wench woman.
I altered the role
I am best at
being a mom
for a role I stink at.
Get over myself
pray for my friends
Weird thing is I
almost ended up
with the man
who is the daddy
to the babies.

Oct. 3rd, 2004 11:44 am A great time was had

I spend the week wishing I had time to update this journal. The demands of my program are massively intense. I am not sure why I did this to myself. Getting a Master's in one year is nutty enough. Adding certification is nuts, I recently realized if I wasn't getting certification I wouldn't have to do the practicums, or the paperwork. 'Nuf complaining, I am doing it and I will succeed. When I pursue my Doctorate, I am taking my sweet time.

I am voluntarily doing a thesis, I am trying to figure it out. I need to practice writing, I want to help focus my intention for my dissertation, and I regret not having done one for my undergraduate degree.

Undergraduate degree is going well, fingers crossed that the Provost approves my taking aural skills.

Last night we went to a gathering, four families and we had so much fun. I haven't laughed, joked, chilled, connected that like in so looooong. One of this intentions was to help our men bond. The four of us women get together for dinner etc, but the guys have a harder time making connections. One of J's biggest issues is that he has no friends. He and Hector are fast on their way to becoming buddies. We had a potluck, played pictionary, talked politics.

Today I have invited a family over for dinner so I need to be diligent in my homework efforts.

I have grown so much by staying with the wicked woman because my core is strong, and I have come to a place of compassion and understanding for her. I think she is a very unhappy person (hence the permanent frown lines) and that she has to prove herself, and does it through force. I am playing the game and it's doable. I got to teach two lessons last week one for her, and one for the language arts. The one with the other teacher was so wonderful, it was a 15 minute lesson without many complications. I succeeded and felt good about myself and the profession. The one with wenchy was a train wreck, it was miserable. It was an hour long lesson with elaborate directions, that were complicated. I felt in my gut it was too much, but was afraid to say this. I think she enjoyed confirming her greatness through my failure, but I am not too worried about it. It was too much of a lesson for someone's first or second lessons. She said her last intern failed at the lesson also, and I just thought to myself (which is why you wouldn't set the next intern up...)

Life is good, not too many complaints. My mom had pneumonia and that is not good, but she gets it about twice a year. I may not do the practicum next semester if my mom isn't doing well, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. She is also a little looney tunes. I needed her to watch Lili for an hour on Friday morning and she forgot the instructions or something and brought Lili to day care. One Lili doesn't go on Fridays, they already have nine children(so it was illegal for a half hour), two she was in her Dora nightgown without socks in the Fall, Three she didn't have a lunch. They didn't catch the error until it was too late, but I was able to explain that my mother hadn't been feeling well. I may have to find other arrangements, but again, the bridge later.

My surgery is scheduled for the 21st of this month. I got a full scholarship to attend the National Association Multicultural Conference on the 27th to the 31st in Kansas City. I don't know whether I should go, or if I will need more recovery time. It partially depends if they are able to do it laproscopically or if they have to do the more invasive procedure which will have me in the hospital for at least five days.

To my neglected friends, I love you all and carry you with me. When I bumped up against those tough times I have your love and your words with me, so thank you. Know that I appreciate and love you all.

Sep. 22nd, 2004 12:49 am Hanging in there

My wench is teaching me so much about speaking up for myself. Granted I haven't done it for the past two weeks, but today she said something ludicrous and inaccurate about what I would assume and how that would influence my teaching. I called her on it, and she didn't appreciate it. I did it with tact, but you cannot tell me what I will do, you can say that there is a possibility that... Anyway, another day checked off. 35 more to go with her. I love the students, they are worth it, but I am wondering if I wouldn't like being a guidance counselor more. Attending to the emotional lives of the youth, I could really get into that. I know as a teacher I will be doing this also, but, we shall see what the future brings.

Little Miss Lili is having the time of her life at day care. She finally feels comfortable and has so much fun. She is a rascal and just a cutey. I do miss her, so I tend to need to do my homework in the middle of the night. I spend her waking hours rolling around on the rug with her, looking up at the trees, dancing, singing, hugging, giggling, and being a nut.

Ninertins, I hope your school work is interesting and not too exhausting.

Jojobean, I miass you and can't wait to catch up, well I suppose I will have to wait.

Inua, how's clarity? still clear? I hope we can have dinner together soon.

Love to all, love to time passing quickly while with the wench, love to time passing slowly or not at all when I am with my luvies (have the house full tonight, Shay, K'von, and Lili.

Sep. 22nd, 2004 12:43 am Bless you L

In June I listed the 17 people who have passed on over the past twelve months. Two more mothers are to be added to that list. Today is the funeral of L's mom, she and I are two of the three people of color in our Graduate program. We also share other similar issues that many of these grad. students have no idea about. L was born and raised in Springfield, so going home, wasn't too far. Her mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. I pray for her and her family in this time of loss. What is more disheartening is that some administrators are giving L a hard time around what she needs. Some letters will be written...

Sep. 16th, 2004 08:27 pm Gallbladder diet

Lost five pounds so far, yee haw, unfortunately this bland diet is like, bland. I hope to have some time to make it more interesting soon, but for now, it is functional. I am excited to lose the weight though. The surgery is in about a month, so I am hoping to lose 30 pounds before then. We shall see. That's like a pound a day, but who knows anything can happen.

Let me see, grad school is mad crazy, never seen so much work in my entire life.

Miss my baby girl like nobodies bidness, but keep telling myself it'll be worth it in the long run.

Little miss lili is doing great at day care, she is signing away, and adjusting well. She has also started saying Mama after taking a few months off.

Need to find my wire so I can post new pictures.

Last night a glass of wine was the greatest thing, I slept so well.

My boss is still wretched, but am learning to play the game.

Sep. 12th, 2004 06:37 pm Long Time No Write

Been balancing many things, Graduate School complete with courses, practicum, and the boss from hello. Trips to the emergency room, dishes, visitors at four in the morning, and two weekends of traveling. I am between the worlds of needing to drop out, and needing to stay in. Only 145 more days right???

Last weekend was spent at a Bat Mitzvah that was more like a wedding, Friday night service and party, Saturday service, lunch, evening party, then a brunch on Sunday. It was great to get to spend so much time with the cousins. They are second cousins, and there are seven girls. They had so much fun with Khalila, she was doted on all weekend long, as the ages ranged from 10-15, giving Khalila the cute young factor.

Week of misery, at school, my boss, who I work with for three days had me miserable and ready to drop the program by the third day. I gear up my confidence and my perspective so day number one is usually bearable. Day two hovers on the precipice, and by day three, misery reigns supreme. I know there are difficult people in life, and if I can learn to deal with this person, I will be better able to deal with the next one. However, this person is really mean,hurtful, and like ouch. Anywho, I will give it another week

This weekend was spent in Copperstown NY singing in an opera. It was an interesting experience. I am ready to spend the next few weekends at home, pouring over my books, and typing up the tons of papers due.

Best of love to ninertins who is schooling, weaning, loving, being... I hope there are more sabrina opportunities in the near future.

Jojobear, miss you much, and hope to see you soon. I would love to hear how things are going, job, love, singing, auntie duty...

Inua, the weekend was great because you were there, we will definitely be talking about this weekend for years to come. Twenty years from now, we'll be like, "remember that weekend..." Thanks for your love and support.

Aug. 30th, 2004 12:44 pm Lili's first day

Little Lili had her first day of day care today. Two children were crying a lot, but for the most part she didn't cry. I stayed in the room with her for an hour.

She

Kept drinking the other children's milk at snack time.
Chewed on every toy she could find.
Followed a two year old girl around.
Hugged the baby and carried her for awhile.
Connected with Peter who was also wearing sandals.
Crawled in the sink and turned the water on (intsabath)
Hugged me goodbye and cried for a few minutes.
Danced at circle time.
Played outside.

I know this list may seem competely boring, but for me, it was quite a day. She is used to napping around 11:00 but they don't nap until 12:30, so by 11:45 she was done. Luckily it was only a half day so it worked out well. We shall see how tomorrow goes.

PS. My poohest of bears bought me a laptop for Grad. school. I am thrilled to be able to get a chunck of my homework done on my lunch break. Also I have wanted a laptop for the past five years. I somehow associate it with me being able to complete my novel, my play, my words. Thank you husband to be for making this easier on me.

Good to see Jojo and JonJon on Sunday, brief, but how much do I love those two. So much, they are forever etched in my heart from a summer that once was.

Good energy packing and moving Inua

Aug. 25th, 2004 08:49 pm One down, nine to go

I know it is a little premature to say, but I have basically gotten through the first month of school and have nine more to go. Hmmmm what else takes nine months or so... No baby yet, but my fingers are always crossed. I have finished two grad. courses, aside from two huge projects that are due later. I was placed in Springfield, and it wouldn't work with Lili so I went to my adviser and got things switched a bit. I am thrilled to be in Kevon's school, my class is across the hall from his. So I think we will have to make some boundaries. He is known to run out of class, there is the possibility that I will see him at the door many a times.

My mentor teacher is cool, as Kevon says "she's mean" but I translate that to being strict. She is a woman of color which is great for me. She was married to a white man, and this when it was illegal in many states to do so. She and I have started making a great connection and that is important. I can tell I'm gonna work my butt off, but it could use a little reshaping, so that's okay.

Have been having frustrating computer issues, my computer is in the shop, wouldn't even open in safe mode, when will I ever learn to back up my work??? No major drama there, just costs more for data recovery. I have started writing a book, and the first couple of chapters only exist there. Needless to say, open wallet...

Life is good, challenging, hard, I cry nightly but it's a beautiful release. Kevon had a birthday party last Sunday and it was great, I made oobleck for 15 kids. I cannot believe he is nine. I remember when he was younger then Lili, which makes me like wow, they grow so fast.

I think I am treating myself to a multicultural education conference in October. I am applying for scholarship, but I think I want to go regardless.

I miss my girlies, Inua, Jojo, Nina, Gracie. I love you all, I know we are just begining to know each other Niners, but you are one special mama. Jojo, I have accepted the friendster invite, but I am a newbie at navigation. Inua, love you and can't wait to spend time together in New York.

Aug. 18th, 2004 02:09 am The matt has left the building...

Tonight I had the good fortune of having two people willing to work on the matt that was claiming half of my head. It took two hours, and unfortunately some cutting was involved, but my hair is now free to be me again.

Thank you to all of you who were at the Cape, welcome abercrmfitch, if you are reading this and if you remember who I am.

The weekend was full of fun, watching babies, playing apples, eating delicious food. Thanks Ninertin and Jobertin for doing so much work to make the weekend a wonderful success.

I didn't get back home until 6:00 that night. Spent a good hour searching for my aunts in South Middleboro. It was actually kind of sad, but I had to try. I also stopped at the outlets and got Kevon shoes for school. Unfortunately they are too small. They fit now, but in a month he will out grow them. I don't know how, but all of the sudden his feet are almost as large as mine.

His birthday is next Monday, but we are throwing him a party on Sunday.

On that subject, a big old shout out to the birthday girl. Happy Birthday Nina, I hope your day is filled with surprise, friends and family, laughter, Gracie giggles, and anything else you desire. You are the best and I enjoyed bringing Khalila and Grace together. They are so adorable.

Speaking of adorable, Lili is going to have her very own cubby. How sweet is that, they ask us to bring in pictures of her and of us to hang in her cubby. I am trying to knit or crochet her an afghan really quick that she can bring as a reminder of home. I hope I can do it, day care begins in a week. If I don't get it done, I will have her bring the beautiful blankie Inua made for her.

I miss you miss Inua, hope the energy is good around packing and life plans.

Aug. 5th, 2004 04:42 pm 1st day of school...162 more to go

Today was the start of my grad. career. It wasn't too difficult. I had a headache, probably from getting 2 hours of sleep last night. I got caught up as far as homework is concerned. Of course, new assignments for tomorrow, but all is well.

Khalila faired well, however when we got home, she was running away from me (her little independence "look at me, I'm a big girl") and she tripped and got a fat lip. Her first one, she was okay, I am not sure how I was. I managed to get through the class only writing one poem about her in my margins.

I am looking forward to the trip next weekend, ninertins, I cannot wait to hang out with you and graciemama, and jojobean. When are y'all going down, I should figure all of that out. Luckily it falls in between two classes, so I will have just finished Science, and won't have any new homework for Inclusive classroom.

I ran into Mr jonjon last night. I was singing Jiggly Puff in a really screechy voice at the mall, because it was cracking Kevon up. Then who comes around the corner but this red haired cutey. I love him, Jojo, that summer we spent a lot of time together was so special, and so there he is, forever etched in my heart. Friends are forever, even when you only see them twice a year.

Inua, thanks for calling and offering childcare, you are the bestest and I am honored to have you as a sister. There is another Heather in my group and she was a voice performance major in her undergrad. career. I want a recital, I need a recital, must have a recital....

Love to all my peeps.

Aug. 1st, 2004 10:41 pm 3:00 PM Decision Deadline

I gave him until 3:00 PM today to decide whether or not he was going to school or what. I know that may not be fair but as a family we need to know. I am busting my butt looking for childcare and if he's going to be home with her I don't need to work so hard at finding coverage we won't use.

He is going. He finished all of his homework today, and he said that would be the deciding factor. Hmmmm I wonder if I should use the same guidelines, I would be in mucho trouble as I have barely just begun. No matter, I can do it, I will do it, I must do it.

I think I am at 80 hours until my first class. I am somewhat excited. I am thinking about auditioning for non major lessons, and possibly resurecting the ghost of aural skills, but that is top secret for now. I just feel, I am so close, I don't want those two credits to haunt me until I am old and grey. You know reflecting on my under gradute career with a sentence that starts a little something like "If only I'd finished those 2 credits..." We'll see, I may be biting off more then I can chew, but hey my heart is leading the way. Obviously because anyone with a brain functioning on the time management aspect would have... I just realized I can't finish that sentence, I don't know what they would have done, because I am not them.

Shout outs to my lovely ladies, Jo, Ninertins, Graciemama, and Inua.

I hope August flies by for the Gilbert family with Papa Bear gone for a spell.

I hope Graciemama and Lilibear can play someday, you two are the cutest little ones, and I wish we lived closer so you could be bosom friends.

I hope Jojo is enjoying the new position and rocking with the band.

I hope Inua takes it one box at a time, and doesn't get overwhelmed by the upcoming move.

Love you all.

Jul. 31st, 2004 11:14 pm Less then 100 hours...

Four more days, I cannot believe it. I am in total denial or something, because I have about six books to read and tons of assignments. The books aren't heavy duty, but I'd better get on it. I am not going to bed tonight until I finish book number one. I will let you know tomorrow or the next day if I hold true to that.

Had a great time hanging out with Nathaniel last night, he was in from Sweden and up this was for the day. He's off to begin teching in Stockholm. This party was great, there was a baby who was two weeks old, I saw them in the hospital when Angel was giving birth, as that was the next day. Lili looks so gargantuan amongst all these little wee ones. There are five boys that have been born this month.

My voice is cooperating on a daily basis, the first time in over a year. I think my technique is better again. I happily installed a bunch of gigabytes for movie editing. One thing that bothers me is how they name the primary the master and the secondary the slave. I tend to be sensitive about language because it has such an impact.

Little man has been washing his hands literally about 30 times a day and it is driving my mother crazy. She was crying about it today, it's really interesting to watch her reactions. The Mexico scrapbook has begun, two years later. Better late then never, in 20 years when we look at it, I won't care that it was created two years after the fact, I will just be grateful that it is there.

Anywho, must run and read.

Jul. 28th, 2004 03:14 pm My Inua

"Lift every voice and sing"
our first contact
Slowly
I let your light
penetrate
those darkened
corners of my soul.
In your wisdom
you knew
to scan the light
and act as a witness
not to force
exposure or
interrogation.
You mean
the world to me
Inua.
Thank you for
allowing me to
be witness to
your journey.
Here I am
and will
always be.
A soul sister,
a singing companion,
a native friend forever.
Wherever you are
in this world
whatever you are
doing- I am here
for you.
Our dance,
our song,
our story-
thou it
started
long ago-
has just
begun.

Love you!!!

Jul. 23rd, 2004 10:31 am Looking for a loving person...

"If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts
Play games, all sorts

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets

Never be cross or cruel
Never give us castor oil or gruel
Love us as a son and daughter
And never smell of barley water

If you won't scold and dominate us
We will never give you cause to hate us
We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see
Put toads in your bed or pepper in your tea

Hurry, Nanny
Many thanks sincerely
Jane and Michael Banks"

As a kid I loved to sing this song from Mary Poppins, now it seems here I am to compose my own nanny request.

It would go a little something like this

Beat, beat, beat, beat, now drop that beat....

"L-Looking for a l-loving person who would would would would who would play gaaaaames, do puuuuzzles, sing soooongs, read boooooks, give huuuuugs, a few days, a few days a week to a wonderful I say wonderful, to a wonderful Little Lili. Lili is the girl and she's here to say, "come on over to my house to play, you wanna have fun, you wanna run around, my house got the hookup so bring your feet to the ground and dance with me unhun unhun unhun."

I am excited to know that through the grad. school I can qualify for childcare expenses and they will pay about 50% of the cost. Even for a babysitter in the home, which is the ideal situation for Lili. Daycares pass around so many colds, so the less time she is there, the better. I know colds are an everyday part of life, but I also think that being in her home is another grounding, and stabilizing factor. In January I think she will have to be in a day care as it will be five days a week, and luckily only for about 17 weeks, not consecutive.

Jul. 20th, 2004 11:29 pm Is there anybody going to listen to my story...

All about the girl who came to stay. Today she is 14 months old, and it is this day that her upper teeth started poking through. It's neat how many of these milestones keep happening on rounded dates, to help me remember for years to come. One arguement for not having six kids, is remembering all of their individual milestones, but then again, that is what journals and scrapbooks are for. Kisses to all, kisses to you.

Jul. 20th, 2004 10:38 am Slow down, you move to fast....

Two weeks left before school starts, and it looks like I am going, I have made my mother promise to hold on for at least another year. She wants me to go, because I wanted to drop out to spend more time with her. However I suppose it is better to do the Master's now before I have more children.

My list of what I want to do this Fall

Be a great Mama.
Be a good Auntie.
Graduate School.
Work for my mother.
Perform in an Opera in NY.
AVP volunteer in the prison.
Cook dinner every night.
Keep house immaculate.
Be pregnant.
Assistant Director for UMASS production.
Volunteer at the Crisis Hotline.
Create and run an after-school program.
Teach Voice.
Make Christmas presents.
Finish something from my past.

Okay so I know that there is no way I can do it all, but I suppose I will figure it out in between my panic attacks.

Jul. 18th, 2004 03:54 pm ISA has arrived

Yesterday was the blessed day this beautiful baby boy decided to make what I deem the hardest physical journey most of us will ever make. Angel went to the hospital at noon and Josh anxiously waited for me to finish teaching a voice lesson. He finally, after pacing for an hour decided to drive the mile, to tell me that Angel was on her way. Her contractions started around 10, and they got severe with a quickness. Let me tell you, she delivered at 1:20, less then an hour and a half after arriving at the hospital. Mama bear was so brave, so strong, and so amazing. This is the first birth, aside from my own, that I attended. I also took the pictures, and they came out so cool. The same day, I burned them a CD and brought them photos. Technology is a great thing sometimes. It is her third boy, so of course there was hope of a girl, and they have been calling him a her for a while now. I was a little upset at a couple of the comments of "gonna have to try again" especially from the midwife, because to me, that somehow diminishes the miracle this baby boy is. It implies that he is wrong because he is a boy, and on one level I understand the comedy of it, but on another, I was honoring the gift before us. Isa has come to this earth to grace us with his presence, and that within itself is amazing. He is a healthy, strong, beautiful baby. I feel to tears when I held him. Oh how in love I already am. He was born on my grandmother's birthday. His father wrote a play in honor of John Coultrane, and his son (which is his first child) was born on the anniversary of his death, not only that but his sister had a son the same day, years before.

I gain more respect for life, everyday

Jul. 16th, 2004 12:21 pm A Prayer for the Children

Oprah is not my favorite venue, but occasionally she has a show that hopefully brings awareness and sparks people to do something. Yesterday was one such show about the atrocities to children. She touched upon the devastating sex slave industry, one million children worldwide are kidnapped yearly most of whom are forced into sex slavery or labor slavery. Then there are the children soldiers in other countries as young as seven with no childhood, no innocence, killing for survival.

The story that viscerally effected me most was the baby raping tragedy in South Africa. My mother told me about it about a year and a half ago, and to know that it is still happening and even more so is absolutely devastating. Perpetuated by the "witch doctors" there is a rumor that if you sleep with a virgin, your HIV will pass to them. It used to be enough to rape the five year olds, and now everyday, everyday in South Africa a baby under the age of one is raped. One weekend saw 20 babies raped. A lot of these babies die, and of course none of them can testify against their perpetrators. The most the offenders get is a couple of months in detention.

The show showcased a five month old who happened to survive the ordeal. Five months, Khalila is almost three times that age, I cannot rest, and will not rest until something is done. When one baby suffers, we all suffer, I know this is not live journal material, but I was never one for sticking to convention or not speaking my mind when it is due. To all of my three readers, please, if you could, just say a prayer to your God, Universe, whoever you believe in that this absolute horror ends. It will take the leaders to speak out against it, and stop hiding in their silence. Some of the men learn of this practice in prison, so they need education in prisons about the virus and stronger penalties for the offenders.

Thank you for reading. Love to you all, and love to all of the children in the world

Jul. 15th, 2004 05:30 pm Still Waiting

Still waiting for Angel's baby to arrive, also Heather was due last week. I love babies and birthing. I cannot believe that now Lili is the big girl of the bunch, when she was just the littlest. Michigan was a trip, talk about a challenge, being the only driver with three kids, and on about three hours sleep. I tried to sleep at a couple of rest areas along the way. Lili and Shay would be asleep but Kevon would be awake so after about ten minutes of my being aseelp, he would need to make conversation with me.

Driving through Canada I thought of our trip to Ann Arbor Jo, what a hard journey that was driving over night. I remember I kept trying to read from "The God of Small Things" outloud while you drove, but I kept falling asleep on you. Miss you Jo, hope you are enjoying your summer.

Jul. 7th, 2004 02:53 am Catching Up

Spent last weekend in New York, after a party in New Jersey. I made Sweet and Sour Chicken with rice for 25 people, and 63 cupcake cheesecakes. So the prep before New Jersey kept me pretty busy. Was a nice weekend, FIL acted out a bit, so did his son, which causes me some concern, but we'll see if the growth pattern continues in an acceptable pattern.

Shout out to my my 8 year old nephew who rubbed my back as I was hunched over the toilet violently ill, as he cursed my husband out for not being the one to do so. I told him I would be okay by myself, that he didn't need to be there, but he wouldn't leave my side as role of caretaker.

Sorry to miss a wonderful time on the Cape with Jojo (have you heard JoJo, fourteen year old from the outskirts of Boston who sings "Get Out" Her birth name is Joanna and she has a great voice for her age, that given the right coaching could be phenomenal.

Inua, I tried to call on your birthday but your cell wouldn't receive my call? Know that I have been sending you love and energy and want to get together to celebrate the birth of my dearest friend Inua. Love You. I passed through your CT home on your birthday on my way to New Jersey, we sang Happy Birthday to you in hopes you could hear it, I didn't realize you were in MA.

Just got violently ill a few hours ago, in a way I never have before, Yikes, not to comforting knowing that in a couple of hours, I am driving three children 700 miles to Michigan. I thought it was a good idea at first, and know that I am still not feeling well, wish I had gotten another driver. Cest La Vie, I am sure it will work out.

Angel is due on Thursday, and she asked me to be at her birth. I really want to be there so I am crossing my fingers (how selfish of me) that she delivers on Monday or after. Her mother flew out from California, but will be in New York from the 8-11th, so it would be better for Angel to have her mother there also.

Almost completely packed, for five days of camping with a 13 month old, an 8 year old, and a 14 year old. FUN, FUN, FUN this is my partners family's reunion. So soon, we will be off.

Joya, Happy Happy Birthday sweetheart. I will call you today, love you lots.

Nina's thank you so much for the shout out and email. I cannot let this summer go by without Gracie and Lili playing.

Jul. 2nd, 2004 03:20 am Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill

Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill - Important legislation.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will
require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for
patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the
"drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home hours after
surgery against the wishes of their doctor; still groggy from anesthesia
and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition
drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.
PLEASE!!!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below and help
women living with breast cancer get the care they need and deserve!! There
is no cost or monetary pledge involved. You need not give more than your
name and zip code number.
http://www.lifetimetv.com/health/breast_mastectomy_pledge.html

This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON. THANKS

Jun. 26th, 2004 07:45 am I am grateful for...

-the hugs and snuggles from my almost nine year old nephew.
-the hugs from Khalila, and the sometimes she psyches me out, pretending to come
give me a hug and taking a sharp left or right just before she reaches my arms.
-Josh's willingness to let tons of kids sleep over constantly and his loving energy
when they do.
-my sister's reaching out for help this week and getting info on rehabs and halfway
houses.
-the way my nephews lips tighten as he tries so hard not to smile and laugh.
-my moon journal, and my friend who offered to share hers (I would love to read it)
-the beautiful flowers from my mother's garden.
-the rhythmic sound of rain on my patio.
-Baby sign and they way Khalila has taken to it. She even signs emphatically when
necessary, cutest thing.
-Swimming with the kids.
-Miss Inua and her dedication to me and my family, not to mention, her beauty, her
talent, her spirit, her love, her listening, her friendship that feels more like
sisterhood, her laugh, her everything.

Jun. 26th, 2004 07:31 am A week of children

This week I have been surrounded by children, and it has been wonderful. This weeks drive in movies are Shrek 2 and Harry Potter 3 and I love having the minivan to load up with the youngins, and tons of snacks. It is a tradition that we make the triple, if not quadruple feature. I think one anniversary they showed five movies in a row, talk about movie overload. "It's raining, it's pouring, Heather is snoring, I bumped my head when I went to bed, didn't want to get up in the morning" My PC version of that childhood song.

I worked on Kevon's room at my mother's house for five hours last night. Got home at midnight, only to wake up at 4:00am wide awake. So I am catching up a little with live journal, and I am being a cleaning fanatic. Weekends come so quickly, and I have a heavy duty cleaning list for every weekend. However on a tea bag tag or the box it said something about wishing they had spent more time with the kids and less time cleaning the house. Maybe that's why I am up at four to clean. Anywho, enough of the boring dribble of my life. On to a gratitude list.

Jun. 26th, 2004 07:30 am I love you Heather, enough to make me turn gay...

Okay, so last night was not the first time I have heard those words. In the past there were a few straight girls that questioned their sexuality while with me. I was out and proud and nurturing, and well whatever else they saw in me, but last night was different. The sentence itself has issues, but add the complication of having your mother be the one who says those words to you. YIKES. I am going to chalk it up to her being overtired and really appreciating all the help and work I do for her. My mother is a trip and I'll leave it at that.

Jun. 23rd, 2004 01:52 am How to really love a child by Sark

Be there.
Say yes as often as possible.
let them bang on pots and pans.
if they're crabby, put them in water.
realize how important it is to be a child.
go to a movie theater in your pajamas.
read books out loud with joy.
invent pleasures together.
remember how really small they are.
giggle a lot.
surprise them.
say no when necessary.
teach feelings.
heal your own inner child.
learn about parenting.
hug trees together.
make loving safe.
bake a cake and eat it with no hands.
go find elephants and kiss them.
plan to build a rocketship.
imagine yourself magic.
make lots of forts with blankets.
let our angel fly.
reveal your own dreams.
search out the positive.
keep the gleam in your eye.
mail letters to God (Buddha, Allah, Agawe...)
encourage silly.
plant licorice in your garden.
open up.
stop yelling.
express your love a lot.
speak kindly.
paint their tennis choes.
handle with care.
CHILDREN ARE MIRACULOUS.

This is a card I have on my fridge, I have owned it for about 5 years, and I just refound it.

Jun. 19th, 2004 10:30 pm Should I be insulted? Today while nursing little miss thang decided to take a break to chew on her big toe.

Jun. 19th, 2004 06:15 pm Part of the birth team

I am so excited that Angelica asked me to be at her birth. Her sister is in California and she said I am like a sister to her so she asked me to be there. Now I am nervous about the Michigan trip because that is supposed to be 7/5-7/12. I can go a little later like 7/8 but that would be challenging. Angelica is due 7/8, I am hoping since it's child number three the baby comes early. I love babies, birthing, the whole shebang. I am writing her a birth song to sing to her. Of her other two children one came on the day the were expected and one came the day before. I won't stress, I will just have faith that if it is meant to be, it will be.

Jun. 18th, 2004 01:12 am RATS

"Ain't it great to be a rat?
Ain't it great to be the big cheese?
'Cuz a rat is where it's at.
We can do just as we please."

Kevon just had his third grade musical, and it was soooo good. I half expected it to be out of tune, and kids saying lines, but it was so polished. Every year this teacher has the kids put on a show, and everyone is it. Somehow she brings out the performer in all of them, and boy did they shine. Kevon was Rat 1 and his lines were so clear, and his rat movements were so sweet. We saw it both times, and taped it too. A shout out of thanks to Aunt J who gave us this camera (because she and her husband couldn't figure out how to use it). It is rewarding to be able to capture some of these memories to see them later.

I recently watched Lili's birth story. I taped it just after she was born, just me talking about her coming into this world. I forgot to mention the part of me needing to brush my teeth while I was 9 centimeters dialated. The nurse said that was a first, but I didn't want to have stinky breath when we finally met face to face. And after 11 hours of active labor and only ice chips allowed, I needed to refresh with toothpaste.

This was supposed to be about Kevon's musical. Kudos to K and his class for their amazing performance of "Rats" It is basically a musical version of the Pied Piper of Hamlin. The Pied Piper played the flute and she was really good for third grade. Kevon and I are trying to decide what instrument he will play nest year. He didn't end up being a fan of the violin this year so his choices for next year are flute, trumpet, trombone, or clarinet.

Jun. 18th, 2004 01:06 am Follow the yellow brick road

My friend got into this Directing Academy that pays you 70,000 for the year to attend. You work 14 hour days five days a week, so it is hard work, but wow. He will be assisting the likes of Steven Spielberg and his first assignment will be working for Dreamworks. He is going to LA to attend this program. Out of 10,000 they take 25, and he told me "it's who you know" As he is connected. However as sweet as this all looks, he admitted he sold his soul to the devil. He is a social justice guy who creates programs for youth to help them find their voice, and get people to listen. He is the antithesis of Hollywood, yet here he goes, to join the rat race. I told him, play the game for awhile, establish connections, build up his name, and then he can do what he does best. Or perhaps there is a way to incorporate what he stands for while attending the school, and getting involved in Hollywood politics. Anywho, congrats to U.

Jun. 18th, 2004 12:54 am America

Yesterday I attended a poetry circle with Sekou Sundiata for a new piece he is creating. It was an open dialogue about the arts and civic responsibility. I was a little nervous to speak, and chickened out by not bringing anything of mine, but it was so great. I am on my creative path again, and I love it. Ani DiFranco is writing a song for the soundtrack to this piece he is creating. My old job at nwt is opening up in August, working with the youth, arts, and social action appeals to me, so now I am for a moment questioning whether I should go to grad. school, or take this position. I could work Khalila in there somehow, and/or work the hours when J is home. The whole place is changing, from the top down, like 6 people are leaving. The pay is $24,000 which is isn't too bad, considering the reward that comes from working with the amazing youth. What to do, what to do. I am leaning more towards grad. school because as our family expands, it will only get more challenging. Hmmmm I don't know what to do. If I worked, I could help my mama more, and her health isn't getting any better, so if I could make her time left more enjoyable, and help her not have to be so poor. I am acting like $24,000 can stretch that much, but the reality is a family of five making that much is still a family living in poverty. Okay, seems like I talked myself back into grad. school.

Jun. 15th, 2004 11:54 am Thank You T Thank you so much for the pillows, they do match perfectly. Also the outfits for Lili are adorable, you shouldn't have, but I know it's almost impossible to resist. I am looking forward to seeing you this weekend. I better get my act in gear for Father's Day. Love you Auntie T. Lets talk soon.

Jun. 14th, 2004 06:11 pm

A wonderful weekend in New York.

Happy Moments

-travelling to the City
-a visit with Will and Brandon
-Salsa Band on Roosevelt Island
-Community playroom fun with cousins
-Fun in the sun
-Dancing to the Motown band
-Lili swimming in the pool
-Sailing on Poppop's boat (Lili taking the tiller)
-relaxing time spent with family
-Pistons winning game 4

Jun. 11th, 2004 11:02 pm

Is it possible to over organize one's life? I realized today as I typed up the menu for the next two weeks, with ingredients, that maybe I am going too far. There is a "Khalila's Daily" a "HAL's Daily" a "Weekly Cleaning" a master school calendar (with all of our classes and practicums)I have typed up, our Books, CD's, DVD's, and videos, all in alphabetical order, and I will hopefully get to the tapes. I think I am doing this partially in preparation for August, I am worried that our lives will be so full of "to do's" that our life could easily fall apart. I know I managed through undergrad with Kevon and it was quite challenging. I learned not to do papers with him on my lap. The advantage to ungrad was a lot of performance based classes, and I could stretch it over many semesters.

Deedle dee deedle dum, breathing in, breathing out. I wish I could put some of this meticulous, or hyper vigilante energy into the scrapbooks I long to create. I have three bags full of goodies, a mexico scrapbook, a pregnancy scrapbook, and Lili's first year scrapbook. I guess the truth of the matter is I am comfortable in the specific, previously established organization role. I am not comfortable in the trusting my ideas to put this paper, with this picture sideways, with this piece of ribbon etc. I need to read "Drawing with the right side of the Brain" to free up myself. Long winded girl winding down. Must pack up for New York.

Jun. 10th, 2004 05:19 pm Moon Journal

I have just received my first assignment for Grad. School. I am to track the moon and keep a moon journal. How appropriate is this. Go Moon, Go Moon. I am a little bit of a freak, because I want to take pictures of the moon, write poem and songs about the moon, draw pictures of the moon, making my journal more interdisciplinary, but that may be over the top, we are already instructed not to write what the moon would look like if we could see it when the sky is too overcast to see it. I will at least layer in the pictures, I will feel out the other ideas that are starting to come to the surface.

My other assignment is to read "What Children Bring to Light" and I am so thankful to Amazon because I bought it for $13 go Amazon, not to mention the benefit to the earth of reusing books.

There is still the possibility that I may not go to school. Depending on childcare and finances, I may open my house to a few children as a daycare center. I am OCCS certified and it wouldn't be hard to get my house approved. I will prepare as if I am going to school, because I think in the long run, that is what would be best for our family.

Moon, Moon, how I love the moon. I am a luney moon maiden.

Jun. 9th, 2004 09:34 am Funerals in abundance

Our dear friend Scottie had a heart attack and died last week. His funeral was Monday. Amherst is pretty small and has one funeral home, this is the fourth funeral we have gone to in the past year. I think about the year Lili's been alive and think about all the people that have passed on.

People who have had a direct impact on my life

Kamal
Uncle Lester
Grandma Hilliker
Tigris
Nell
Daniel
Dorothy
David
Earline
Scottie

People who have left us this year through indirect connection

Jen's Dad
Papo's Mom
Dan's Daughter
Peter's Mom
Oren Brown
Nancy's Mom
Jane's Dad

The youngest was 2 days old, and the oldest was 94. A guick live journal tribute to all those who know and loved these people. They will always be with us through there words, their love, their presence. May your missing them and suffering lessen and may their memories bring peace and joy.

For the three children that have died, Tigris, Kamal, and Daniel, may the parents find some way to go on, day after day, and somehow find comfort for you have survived the unsurvivable. My heart, love and energy goes to you all.

I am learning from each eulogy how to better live the life I am lucky enough to have.

Jun. 6th, 2004 12:40 pm Double Rainbow

There was this incredibly beautiful double rainbow yesterday. The colors were so rich, and both arches were complete. I have always loved rainbows, being the little girl that had them plastered all over my walls. It was fun trying to get Khalila to look at it. She looked at everything but. Lili has improved her problem solving skills and is scary. She has the run of the whole downstairs, but her curiosity keeps her wanting more. She has taken to moving her toys to the object she wants to get up on. No big deal, she has been doing that for awhile, but now she moved two toys, one taller then the other, climbed on the first, climbed on the second and was trying to climb to her goal (the high chair tray). Yikes, she is also way secure (I almost wanted to put too in there but didn't) she will walk so far away from me, and not even look back to see if I am watching or with her. At Angelo's birthday other mothers held her for two and a half hours, and not once did she need to check in. I am assuming she kept doing a visual scope. I hope this keeps up when it is time for her to be with a baby sitter.

She is working on the sign for more, and in another week or two I think we will have mastered it. I am also adding the up sign.

Oh yes, I started this talking about the rainbow, I took it in, breathed it's majesty into my pores, and somewhere in my core, I know everything will work out. There have been some addiction dramas that have been trying to take their toll on me. Also on that note, my mother is nuts, she is all of 96 pounds at 5'5" and the other day in the car she is telling me how she is starting to pack it on, get fat. Not to mention the fact that she is worried about my "obesity"

On that note, I didn't make my 10 in 10. Khalila got sick, throwing everything up, and Josh went to Boston for the weekend. I will get back on track, a day or two won't hurt, as long as I go back.

Breathing in the rainbow I breath out the stress.

Jun. 4th, 2004 11:21 pm A Quilting I will go

At a barbecue with Josh's staff the other day, I created a quilting club. You see, I have never made a quilt, but always wanted to. So I have gathered quilters, non quilters, and curious together, theoretical still, but exciting to plan. My sister's grandmother made me a quilt that I cherished. A friend of mine made Khalila a quilt that she will grow up with. Soon I may be able to do the same. One of my friends made a guilt for her daughter who is graduating and she made it out of her clothes growing up. She didn't create the idea, but I love it. If I still have enough of my brother's clothes I want to make a quilt out of them, so I can wrap him around me and snuggle. I read in some magazine about a mother making quilts for the children, out of the father's clothes after he died. I can knit, and I learned to crochet from a cd rom, and soon, I will be a quilter.

Jun. 4th, 2004 07:20 pm What to do with Lili

I am so bad about keeping up with live journal. Lets see, just saw Harry Potter Prisoner of Azkaban with my nephew, daughter, and husband? boyfriend? partner? baby's daddy? All of the above. Anywho, I have been a busy busy mami, looking for childcare for Lili. I wanted to hire a nanny, but I am scared to tears to the Nanny-cam type, people who abuse the babies, even on a minor scale, like, I don't want anyway to even yell at Lili. Then big day cares pass around a lot of germies. Also being an "infant" on the verge of toddler, there are less places that will accommodate her. I have worked for three years with one nursery, and four summers for this other so I would trust Khalila there, knowing the staff and the philosophy. Waiting lists seem to be my enemy. I didn't realize how long these things are. I definitely could make money opening a home day care. I am just about OCCS certified, and maybe after baby number 2 I will think about it. I had thought about Mommy swapping, but it is proving difficult to figure out. I may ask in church this week, for any suggestions, sad that my friend stopped her daycare business:( I know it will work out, my mother keeps insisting she is here to help, but her health is not in the place to do the job full time. A few hours here, and few hours there, but any more then that and I am making them both suffer. I turns out we have our practicum on the same days. I am waiting to find out where I will be placed. I am hoping for Amherst, two schools have daycares right next to them, one of which Kevon went to. It would be prefect, I could walk over and nurse her on my lunch break. Wait, do teachers get a lunch break?

May. 30th, 2004 10:28 pm 3 Days and counting

Alcoholics Anonymous has a 90 meetings in 90 days, I think to establish a habit pattern and provide support. Well I have just invented 10 workouts in 10 days. As I write this I realize I may change it to 21 workouts in 21 days because it takes three weeks to create a habit. Tired of feeling sluggish, and I am proven to weak to get outdoors to do it, I joined a gym. Only short term, becuase I love to go for walks and hikes, and want to share that with Lili. My cardio vascular health has been ignored for too long, so know I am showering it with attention. I love the feeling after working out, and I always have, I just had amnesia for a bit. I am already feeling the extra energy I have, and I am so grateful to be doing what I am doig. I will report back later, so we can see if my 10 in 10 works out.

May. 27th, 2004 11:27 am 17 Pounds

Little Miss Lili is only 17 pounds, at 53 weeks. I cannot believe what a little peanut she is. I forget this for her actions and her spirit is so much larger then 17 pounds, she climbs, she walks, she bounces, she is so active that I am thinking she has a super fast metabolism. She eats three large meals a day, and snacks all day long. I never deny her when she uses her baby sign and she uses it constantly. On top of that she nurses 5 times a day at least. So I am not sure what I am doing wrong. The doctor said she is in a healthy pattern of growth, but hello she's in the 5%. A year ago she was in the 85% but my mother said that I was a peanut until 4, so maybe she is taking after me. My plan of action, as I just went to Whole Foods and stocked up, is to give her 5 meals a day, with snacks to she if that helps her. She is in the 50% for height, so that makes her look even skinnier. I will let everyone know how the fatten up Lili project goes. She is a healthy peanut and that to me is the most important, and her development is far beyond her age, so she is not suffering from any signs of malnurishment. I love our doctor. Lili's grandfather was a pediatrician years ago, but is an alarmist, so when he found out her weight a few weeks ago, he called saying how something was drastically wrong with her because of some study... Our pediatrician told me today that if her grandfather has things like that to send them to him, and he will take care of it. Our pediatrician has been the best in the area for 20 years, he actually used to be my sisters. He is the kind of doctor who met my mother on a Sunday to give her a script for an inhaler. Anyway, hats off to Dr H.

May. 26th, 2004 09:37 am Long time no write

Long time no write. Let me see quick recap.

Khalila's talent show was fun, and sort of bittersweet in some ways. It pointed out how I don't have many adults in my life. It also pointed out that my connection with some of the 2050 youth runs deep, for they showed up before my family, performed, and left after. Most of the adults that said they were going to be there didn't come. I gave my family a car to get there, and they showed up an hour and fifteen minutes late, stayed for 30 minutes and then left. I guess I should be grateful they showed up at all. But then again, I was saddened. It was one adult, and about 12 kids. One of my friends came and helped set up but she left her kids while she went to a class her husband was teaching. It's all good, Khalila was my focus, not worrying about her lack of family. I will find her a fabulous extended family one of these days. It also makes me more and more determined to have the six children I envision, so they have each other, and when they are grown, they will have a big family. I am going to adopt four children someday, and it will happen. For now, Kevon and Khalila have each other. Not to forget about my extended children Donaven and Shay.

The baby shower was a complete success. We stayed in Boston too long on Saturday so we got back late. This meant I basically stayed up all night, well I got two hours of sleep. I made a Lullaby's from around the world CD and cooked like a maniac. I am happy about how it turned out, and how many people showed up. I dun good. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I was so stressed about making it a nice day for the family to be. There were lots of babies and lots of pregnant women. So many people having babies, I have to wonder, has this been going on all along and I didn't notice because I didn't have one of my own, or are more people actually having children? My guess is it's been going on all along, and it seems to me more births happen in the Spring, I should investigate this theory.

Very very excited about school. I made a master schedule and a master list of the possible days we will need Khalila care. I am hoping, hoping, hoping, that our schedules are not similar, this would mean basically that Khalila would need care only one day a week for the Fall semester. This would be the greatest, so my prayers have been sent out. For the Spring, she may need to be in a day care setting for 17 weeks. I can't stand this, for I think it is better for her to be with one of us, but it's important for the family that I get this degree before our second child. Ideally we could hire a nanny who would come to the house, so that Lili could be in her familiar surroundings. Anywho, that's not to fret about too much right now. There is a day care that I worked for for five years that is right next to the school I may be placed in, so that could also be a possibility.

May. 21st, 2004 06:12 am HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Grace. Happy Birthday to you." I know you don't know my singing voice, but I just sang that for you. It's amazing how Grace's birthday is also your birthday, and John's birthday. I always used to include the mother, saying that "you gave birth" and know I personally feel how true that is. Yesterday I was very aware of what centimeter I was at and I what time, the anticipation, the labor and delivery. I know that perhaps as each year goes by this will lessen and be replaced by memories of the previous year. It was special, and I don't know your birth story well, but I believe Gracie was born in the afternoon? Congrats to your family for a fun filled, heart expanding, shifting sands, wonderful dance of life. Yes there have been the sleepless nights, and the milk stained shirts but how that pales in comparison to your Graciemama saying Mumma, or any of those mommy moments. I can only imagine what it feels like the first time they say "I love you", so many things to look forward to. Nina, you are a supershero mom, a nurturing and funny as all that (pc version) friend, and a great person to know. I am honored to know you and I thank you for being you. So Happy Birthday Mami, to both, all of you. Love for always.

May. 19th, 2004 10:53 am

What kind of maniac agrees to throw two parties within a four days of each other with two trips to Boston scheduled in that very week. Hmmmm let me see, oh yeah, me. So tomorrow is Lili's birthday and today is the day I went into the hospital to be hooked up on the monitor to make sure Lili wan't in distress. I am not really worry about her party, I am sad that I am still sick and in no way have any kind of voice to sing for her.

My beloved friend came yesterday, yee haw. I have been waiting and anticipating this curse, this blessing, for there is now hope of future fertility. Gotta go get the food for the party, or parties, probably better to make one trip, but then can everything fit in my fridge. Questions of the day.

Inua, I may have committed Josh and I to the opera, depending on if Niksters is okay with us missing the 10th. A little insane because then we would drive to Michigan after the show on the ninth, but it's all good.

May. 18th, 2004 11:27 am Lili's signing "eat"

It's been about a week now, so I am convinced it's official. I noticed it last week and all of the sudden said, "hey, that's different then when she hits her mouth and tones" and it is. I thought I wasn't consistent enough for her to have picked it up, and had even stopped doing it for a few weeks, but it was in there somewhere and now it's like there. I know that is also a unviersal commonality, to bring your hand to your mouth, which is partially why baby signs works so well, but she's got it. She uses it for nursing also, I suppose now I could layer in the sign for drink versus the sign for eat.

May. 17th, 2004 06:11 pm When the axe came into the forest, the trees said the handle is one of us. Bumper Sticker

May. 17th, 2004 06:01 pm Go Couples

Yeah for all the couples out there in Massachusetts who want to get married. I just heard that interraccial marriages were "illegal" in Alabama until 2000. That means me and my honey would not have been allowed. Today is my exgirlfriend's birthday, and now she could marry her girlfriend. I can't believe how at peace I am with her and R. We had a major, major hard kind of break up that took years to heal from. I finally contacted her last year when I was pregnant because my baby girl was due around her birthday and my God daughter shares my Ex's birthday. We met, and it was wonderful. We started off as the best of friends, and I am glad that we can once again be friends. Anyway, now she can get married, am I healed or nutty enough to go to the wedding? Just Kidding. I still think insurance companies need to recognize domestic partnerships where a family member is taking care of another etc. but we will see how they handle this newest issue.

May. 14th, 2004 03:54 am Eric's in the L-word

I wish I had Showtime and HBO because then I could watch some of the show's they run. I was looking up some classmates and just found out the Eric Mabius is Tim Haspel Jenny’s boyfriend on the L Word. Originally it was Uma that made it big for herself after leaving for a private school after junior high, and memories of her are more or less minimal. Eric Mabius got the acting bug while attending high school and taking advantage of the extensive drama program there. This drama program was extensive (seven shows a year) but relatively small. We had to alternate each show with perform, tech, perform, tech. So I knew him a lot better then I knew Uma. I am curious to see his work and see what my impression of his craft is now, after becoming more of a seasoned professional myself. In high school, I was easy to impress. I don't need another reason to want to see the L Word, but this would be one.

Speaking of L Word, I just found out that my ex girlfriend was in a car accident last week and totaled her car. This happened two days before my jojo was in a car accident that totaled her car. Love and healing thoughts to both of them. I will write about De later. It is very interesting having her back in my life after so many years apart.

May. 14th, 2004 03:06 am A prayer for my friend

Little Mermaid is sleeping on my couch, just the fact that she is sleeping is tribute to the strength of children to overcome. I watch her eyes, currently in rapid eye movement, as I watch the flurry of movement hidden behind the lids. When her eyes are open, one can't notice the flurry of chaos hidden behind the iris. Her nine year old eyes have given witness to far too much in this world already. Two days ago, she watched as her uncle tried to rape her mommy. Her mommy fought back and wasn't sexually assaulted, but Little Mermaid still saw. Mermaid's mama AJ was then repeatedly stabbed as the uncle freaked all the way out. How horrifying, to watch your mama stabbed over and over. Little Mermaid fought to defend her mother, and thankfully AJ is alive, but she is severely injured. She has 72 stitches in her head, 48 stitches on her face, and 30 something and staples in her body elsewhere. Little Mermaid was there, and now she is here, and thank God she can sleep. What is her brain doing with this information? How will it alter her trust of this world? How will it inform her future relationships? She is so brave, so strong, and just so, funny. I swooped in for the "show you how to just be a kid" ness that her life has been missing. We have talked, laughed, ate, played the piano, cleaned, just routine kind of things, while in New York her mother, my friend, hasn't even begun to heal.

AJ has had an incredibly difficult life, and I am heartbroken for her after this violent attack. She has lived with me before, and her son spent two years living with us while she went back to the city. AJ was so grateful to this uncle who took her in last Fall after she and the kids had been in the homeless shelter. She resisted moving back here due to warrants for shoplifting, shoplifting for your children when you can't stretch the check further. Not excusing it, but understanding it and desperately wanting to end poverty, globally. I am so sad for her, that the one family member she could trust, turned on her. I am so sad that this man got so twisted around he wanted to rape his niece, and then essentially tried to murder her. I am so sad that this little girl, and her not so little son, will never ever forget this event and will take years of healthy living to be able to put it into any kind of "perspective"

Little Mermaid and I are going to see "In a New York Minute" tomorrow, yes I am a little old for MaryKate and Ashely Olsen, but she is nine, and her school is 170 miles away so she needs some entertainment. Anyone who reads this, I don't usually ask for action, but if you could say a prayer, or hold this family in the light, they need it. The legacy of pain has been passed on from generation to generation,(as it is with every family) I hope that the future for her children will hold something different. I also pray that AJ heals, comes back here, and stays safe while she is in the city.

I was concerned when I started this journal about my tendency to write things that are hard to hear, not cheery. I don't put in all the negative (like my god daughter's cousin being shot last week etc.) but I it's real and it's my life. To spare my readers, I will write about my "date" with lilsis later.

May. 12th, 2004 05:40 pm

Another one of my writings, from a trip to Sesame Place with my nephew. I have many writings where I refer to myself as the "childless mother" or "sterile" if the me then could see me now, I might have spared myself some grief. Everything happens for a reason.

Abundant grief
from a sterile
desire, the
childless mother
watches
bitterly devastated
by the irony
of the woman
who curses in
disgust
as she swings
at her little one.
Treating this
sacred miracle
more often as a
annoying burden.

May. 12th, 2004 11:52 am

I am being a maniac about organizing, and have spent the morning going through my old floppies. I found this poem I wrote just after Kevon was born 8 years ago.

Motherhood

And so
the journey changes
one day, when
she becomes two,
never to be the same.
Even when she can’t
she still steps forward
on the path-not for herself
but for her child.
The path is treacherous
and she sacrifices everything
but somehow it is okay
as they walk hand in hand.
Her deepest burden becomes
her greatest joy.
Her experience
expands as she views
life through not only
her own eyes, but those of
her child’s. Motherhood,
primitive in its nature,
miraculous in its essence.

May. 10th, 2004 02:08 pm Today was my due date

Last year, at this time my bloated body eagerly anticipated birthing my baby. As much as I loved being pregnant my arms ached to hold this active bundle of joy, who would lodge her foot in my ribs, just to let me know she was getting crowded. For private reasons I was determined not to give birth on this day, the universe has an interesting or ironic way of teaching lessons, and I feel that this lesson was learned. Cryptic in nature, I mean to say, the 10th holds a connection for me that I didn't want to have Khalila connected to. However, I scratched my belly and counted the hours, knowing that if labor started at 4pm, then birth would probably happen on the 11th. I actually have a picture from this day last year, as it was also someone's graduation. I am huge, like huger then huge, HUMUNGO. I think I was 25% effaced, and 100% ready, however, Lili was on her own time schedule. She started training me early, pre-birth. I miss the linea negra (brown line) that ran up my belly, I miss the itchy stomach from being stretched to what I perceived as the limit- a shout out to all the mothers of multiples, god bless y'all. I miss the little heartbeat, the jabs, the kicks, moving around from the inside out. I miss the endorphin rush being pregnant brought me. But for each thing I miss, it has been replaced with at least 10 things I love like listening to her breath as she sleeps on my chest. Like the look in her eye when she knows she being mischievous, or her look of pride when she takes a step, climbs up on the couch, or plays her little piano. The wiggle worm way she tries to get out of getting her diaper changed. The two little toofers, that have amazing power to shred, and have changed her gummy smile. When she rests her head on my shoulder, when she giggles, when she talks, or I should say bellows, she has the lowest little voice. Well I could go on and on and on, and probably already have. Last year, this year, it is all good, and I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people in the world.

May. 10th, 2004 10:06 am

I ended up having a fever for Mother's Day, it started the night before when K and Nicholas were having a sleep over, and is finally letting up a bit. I must have caught what Lili got, as I stayed up about three nights with her, and ran down my immune system. My poohest of bears needed to go away for the weekend. He isn't much of a present person, but he did get me a gift certificate to a spa. I would have been fine with out a present (my mother would have been peeved) but I am excited for the opportunity to get a massage or something.

Shout outs to T, I miss you, sorry we didn't connect yesterday. My silly cell phone won't ring, so I missed your calls.

Shout outs to Jo, please draw from all your friends in this time of transsition. We are here to love you, support you, and be strong for you in those moments it feels impossible (I am not saying they will be there, but the hearts a tricky muscle)

Shout outs to Ninertins, when all of our germies are gone, we are going to have that play date, thanks for being so fantabulous.

May. 7th, 2004 05:28 pm My poor poor hubby

Tomorrow is my hubby's birthday and his mama baked him a pie. She wanted to bring it to him tonight and see a show his student is in. However my fil is abusive, you know in that middle class, I am a doctor who teaches at Harvard kind of way. Very deceptive. He won't let my hubby's mama come down without him, like ever. He is off sailing and doing his own damn thing anyway, but when it comes to letting her do anything fun...UGH Dj explained that this weekend is his birthday and mother's day, so that if there were any weekend she should be allowed (hello, 60 woman who works full time to support the house) to come.

May. 7th, 2004 01:45 pm A room for the show

I finally mustered up my courage to reserve a room for Lili's talent show.

There is a great room available, it's where Tash runs African Dance, the best part is it's free. I am so walking down memory lane as to the events surrounding her birth. The party/show is from 6-8 and she was born at 7:54 so I am trying to think of something special to do at that minute. Perhaps it will be the traditional "Happy Birthday" I have two weeks to think of something.

May. 6th, 2004 05:49 pm Grad. School

I am partially obsessing about school, I can't wait, I am so excited, I love to learn. I have held back from calling them to get my summer work early.

A mini summary of my program: CTEP Collaborative Teachers Education Program

CTEP philosophy emphasizes active investigation, collaboration, problem solving, dialog, and reflection. CTEP pedagogy focuses on the learning process and the construction of meaning. Students explore how learners construct an understanding of the world: how this relates to their own learning experiences; and how to work with a diverse student population in school. Issues of educational equity and social justice are fundamental to the CTEP experience.

My courses are

Principles & Methods of Teaching Science
The Inclusive Classroom: Application
Advanced Child Development
Promising Practices in School Mathematics
Integrated Methods
Practicum I
Advanced Integrated Methods
Contemporary Issues in Education
Practicum II

Last day of school is Lili's birthday, graduation is Gracie's birthday.

I want to weave in independent studies working with students and the arts and it's impact on education, but since it's such an intensive program, I think I will do that post grad. My time with Lilibear will be limited, a horrible feeling came to my gut, how lucky a mama I am to be able to be with her as much as I am. I am still hoping that DJ's schedule and mine only overlap on Wednesday's, for Lili's sake.

I have this fantasy about being placed in the cute little school just through the woods. That is the school my brother went to with the Cosby kids. The childcare is in the building right next door, and Lili and I would walk through the woods everyday. I might be as far as Springfield for the Fall, but I requested my town for the Spring. If I am not in the school next door, then I want to be at Little man's school, three of the teacher's already said they would take me as their student teachers, and I am editor of the school newsletter, so I am pretty connected. Who knows, it'a all just guessing. I have to wait until end of June to find out my placement, so I must try to practice patience.

May. 5th, 2004 05:00 pm Guilty as charged

Dear Creativity,

I have neglected you for far too long. I could spin tons of excuses; working, raising children, cleaning the house, taking care of family... but none of them justify what I have done to you. I have suppressed you and not let your voice be heard, or your presence be known. If I was the sun, I have denied you my light, if I was the moon, I have denied you the night. Thinking it didn't matter, and that we could live apart, I have committed a travesty of justice. For without you, I am not complete. We have overcome too many obstacles, to have me be the one choosing to deny our friendship. We have faced the world and their criticism together, and when we need each other most, what have I done. You are most important to me, and if I am to be the good mother and the role model I want to be then I must honor all the parts of me. I will nurture you creativity, I promise to make more time for you, and honor you in the way you deserve. I know it will take time and trust to earn your forgiveness. I am committed to proving to you that you are worthy, important, and critical in my life. Thank you for your patience.

Love you,

The Eternally Beautiful Lord's Shrub

May. 4th, 2004 12:50 pm Margaret Cho rescheduled

Magaret Cho has been rescheduled for Monday May 10th at 8:00. Yeah. Finally filled the picture frames that I have had since September. Lili is not feeling well yesterday or day. She is needin extra lovin' I think her upper teeth are bothering her, those toofers are pushing their way through. I got Lili a Dora the Explorer couch for her birthday, and since storage is an issue, not to mention she won't know the difference, she is already enjoying it. It pulls out to a bed, and she lays on it constantly. Her papa is having a birthday this Saturday and asked me if I would get him one to. He loves to sit on it and I tend to swoosh him off for fear the cheap foam will not last as long with his weight versus Lili's 17 pounds. I am on a mission to find him some kind of ground cushion before Saturday.

May. 3rd, 2004 12:23 pm Oh no Maragaret Cho I was going to see Margaret Cho tonight at UMASS, but she has bronchitis and has had to cancel. Wishing her get well thoughts from the town she was almost in. She is going to try and reschedule this month, my fingers are crossed.

May. 3rd, 2004 11:46 am Things for which I am grateful

Navigating myself through the city with confidence.
Starting to sing again with purpose.
Doing Pilates while Lili crawls all over me.
Anticipating my summer work for Graduate school.
The buds on the trees bringing life back into my soul.
The sunny sweet air, bringing life back into my lungs.
Packing up the winter hats, and boots, and coats.
Knowing I am going to finally clip my toenails.
Lili and her never ending discovery of things my eyes have forgotten.
Lili and her never ending entertainment and expressions.
Kman and his never ending hugs and love.
Kman and his profound interrogation of life.
DJA and his new hair cut, dancing eyes, and sexy smile.
Lili taking three steps as I type this out.
Faithful friends full of folly.

Apr. 30th, 2004 05:15 pm Thoughts about Jo

Jojobear

Guess who made me cookies?
Guess who brushed my hair?
Guess who read me stories?
Guess who showed me she cares?

Guess who sang to me in the middle of the night?
Guess who enchanted me in the moon light?
Guess who brought arts and crafts to do
to my baby shower for the kid crew?

Enough of the guessing games, jojo it was you.
Giggling into the night in my iron bed.
Comparing the sound clips we both hold in our head.
Eating at people's market or driving all night in the car.
Wrestling outside the FAC, while reaching for the stars.

Times to numerous to list, a wonderful friendship unfolds.
I also can't believe five years ago you thought I was old.
So many conversations with you, have meant so much to me.
You are a damn good friend, and that you need to believe.

I still have to write out, your spanking postcard.
I am not sure, why that task so hard.
I know once my best advice was just to believe and to pray.
Well, I am little more outspoken now, here's what I have to say.

You are not crazy or lazy, you are sane and a hard ass worker.
So many people love you and will give you the reality check you need.
However it is your heart and soul you need to convince.
That you are an amazing partner, girlfriend, sex goddess (of course the judge is terminally pg). You are the bestest Auntie in the whole wide world, your words about Evaroo and samman show the purity of your love. You are a brilliant gatherer, "lets start a singing group" "let me create a play" You know all these things I am telling you. Do you remember our ride home from Chestnut Street? You cared about my dental hygiene, and that is more thoughtful then most of the people who walk this earth. Also the care basket before going to Alaska, (my boo bear is right here on my desk) Remember the good things about yourself, know you are good, and true. Know that we all love you.

Apr. 30th, 2004 12:26 pm What is a princess

The other day I got so frustrated shopping for Brianna's princess present. She is turning five and having a princess party in New York today. It's better then it used to be but the lack of princess multiculturalism was disheartening. As much as I have never liked Barbie (passed on from my mother) at least I found African-American and Latina alternatives. Disney has this whole princess line which stars Belle, Cinderella, Ariel, and Snow White. My mother did remind me of Mulan, and Pocohantas, but they are not the ones plastered all over the merchandise. Brianna will not find herself in any of these princesses. I went into the Disney store and couldn't connect with any of it. Such a contrast from the first time I walked in there and started to cry. Overwhelmed by the magic and memories of growing up on Disney. I don't know whether I am too informed, too protective, too inclusive, or too something, but it's just different. That being said Lili and I will still be singing along with Belle, Ariel, and Simba someday. I want to see a Guatemalan princess, an Iraqi princess, a Nigerian princess, a Ukrainian princess. I suppose there must be availability on the internet, but many people don't have access to the internet. I solved my problem by getting her princess accessories, so she can play dress up and make believe.

Apr. 29th, 2004 07:28 pm College bound papa

Two college bound parents. Josh just got accepted into grad. school also. Basically the same program but he will be in a different placement, and have a different "cohort" Part of me is so happy and hopes that it can work out. It is a little tricky in terms of Lili care. I am hoping our schedules can be different enough that we only really overlap one day in the Fall. Dja needed the direction, he was kind of floundering (who isn't). The other part of me is excited because it means we will be poor and struggle for ten months of grad. school together, versus I go for a year, and then he go for possibly two, which would mean three years of struggling to make ends meet. So hurrah for small blessings. I will keep y'all updated.

Jojo it was fantabulous hangin' out with you today, my mom was fine.

Niners sorry I missed hangin' out with you and your beloved today, someday.

Inua, missing you and looking forward to talking soon. Linda sent us an email offereing money and childcare to do the show this summer, however I don't think it will work out. I'll debrief with you more later.

Love y'all

Apr. 27th, 2004 05:17 pm August 4th.

Graduate school here I come. Today I got the official when I start letter, yikes, August 4th. Can you believe it. They are sending a reading list and assignments, summer homework is the best. I know I was sounding negative about going to grad. school, but my last job took a lot out of me. Some of the people didn't respect me or treat me well, so I started feeling badly about myself unecessarily. My last day of grad. school will be my daughter's birthday, how beautiful is that.

Apr. 26th, 2004 11:26 am Talent Show

Hip Hip Hurray I am finished that play.

Time to reclaim, those things that I have been missing.
I am sort of reconsidering Grad. school, knowing that it will consume so much of my time. Anywho, on to the subject of Lili's birthday. While driving to call the show I was singing along to Lauryn Hill's song Zion and Lili's birthday came to me. We are going to throw a talent show for her. She has been to so many shows, music, theater, and she loves it. She spends much of the time bouncing all around. I am so excited, this will enable people to bring a present they can afford, and it allows others to see a good show. Also birthday's for a one year old are sort of more for the parents then the children. This is a way, I hope to gear it more towards her. Whether it's drumming, dancing, singing, spoken word, jump roping, yoyo-ing, or flipping (some of these ideas are generated by K-man) I know Lili will enjoy it.

Next comes trying to secure a space, we have a community center that offers rooms for free, I just hope on such short notice there is one available. Otherwise I have had two friends offer their backyards, only thing is that won't work if it is raining. I also might hire a youth to DJ, but that is all to be figured out.

It's a little nutty, because I am throwing a baby shower three days later, but I love to create gatherings. Little Girl calls, I shall be back later.

Apr. 24th, 2004 12:24 am One Day More

Yeah, I have one more day of this show, and then I reclaim my life. A little dramatic, but this production has taken a lot out of me and cost my family a lot also. We are performing at City Stage so that is pretty exciting. I wish I realized you were in town Jojo, I would have invited you and your mama to some see the show.

Things I am looking forward to post show:

Snuggling
Walks in the woods
Cooking new things
Reading a book for fun
Planning a baby shower
Playing the piano
Connecting with my friends
Journal Lili's life
Scrapbooking
Planning my mama's 60th
Teaching DJA baby sign
Knowing I don't have to go somewhere I am taken for granted.
Writing
Drawing with Von
Laughing with Lili
Romancing DJA
Trimming my toe nails
Decorating the kids room
Chipping away at my three page to do list.

So tomorrow is it, of course the business doesn't end, as my friend is singing on Sunday. Then there is a trip to New York and possibly DC next weekend, but at least there is a choice, and I will be with my family. I want to share Val's voice with anyone here who happens upon my journal. It is one of my favorite pieces from the show.

Val's poem

From the womb my heart beat rim shots
And my umbilical cord was a microphone cord
As my mother sang melodies for me
Of a song for u
Into her belly button
Bonded by lyrics
I was born in the key of her
She would sing constantly
A voice like dawn and my heart would rise to it
All her songs locked in my fantasies
And I would close my eyes to them

We’d sing call and response in department stores
Don’t lose my voice she’d say and I wouldn’t
Listen to my voice she’d say
And I did

But the songs stopped
Her pitch struck from the record
Faded by scents of burnt rubber and crunching metal
I close my eyes but there are no songs there for me
Don’t lose my voice she said and I did
Listen to my voice, and I can’t

From the womb my heart beat rim shots
And my umbilical cord was a microphone cord
As my mother sang melodies for me
Of a song for you into her belly button
Bonded in lyric
I was born in the key of her
So now I sing constantly
Singing songs of me with hopes of finding her

Apr. 21st, 2004 11:57 pm American Idol upset

T did you see who were in the bottom three this week? I cannot believe it, when Ryan told George to go to the top group, naturally he went to the group with Latoya, Fantasia, and Jennifer. The other group had John, Jasmine, and Diana. Jennifer is out, which is sad, because she is a better singer then a few who are left in. To think we could have lost Latoya, or Fantasia, makes me more determined to phone in my appreciation of their voices. Anyway, I just wanted to debreif about that for a minute.

Apr. 20th, 2004 10:31 am For my mother

She was as tender as a rose
a rose in bloom,
a rose in gloom,
where is the tender rose
that hid herself so secretly
I miss her
I mourn for her,
one child
shamed by her nuns,
has lost her freedom,
her innocence,
what she is now is wilted thorns
excepts she weaves this web,
this illusion
if you work
you can envision this rose
on the stem truth
she has taken it back

Apr. 20th, 2004 09:21 am For my nephew

His womb world
racked with rage
as the screams
penetrate
his unformed ears.
“Asleep at the moment of his murder”
Unborn at the moment
of his murder, so
was the fate
of his other siblings,
but was he the lucky one?
Father is a fantasy
for reality
would bring a crack dealing
wife beating presence.
So stay a
fantasy
paternal one.
He runs from the
imposed position of
importance,
who wil raise
your child?

Apr. 18th, 2004 11:31 pm Breath

I breathe, a breath so treasured, yet so unnoticed.
I sigh a deep desire to release yet tight as ever.
I hunger for you to notice my essence.
Yet I sit waiting for the most important self acceptance.
Shed insecurities for self confidence and breathe a little easier.
Who knows that which tomorrow will bring, but with baited breath I wait.
For the day my soul will rejoice in me, in you, in us.
I am a work in progress, I am a progress in work.

Apr. 17th, 2004 04:37 pm The night that shouldn't have been

So last night was tremendously horrible. Both grandmothers backed out of babysitting, one because she has done it all week and happens to be struggling with her two terminal illnesses and poverty. The other because her husband is a control freak and wouldn't let her. What happened to the village raising a child. No village here, just mami and dadi, and when she can, my mother. There are no Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, to step in an help. Or to gather around in celebration of life and love. I am determined to create that for my children Lili, Von, Don, and Shay. Back to last night, so I had to bring Lili to work and got my 13 year old god daughter to sit with her. Well I received attitudes about it from my higher ups and asked them "what would happen if I called out sick?" Knowing full well that was the other alternative. Anywho, I sort of survived, but in the middle of my all important job I am informed that she has just driven my car into a tree. What, hello, do you have a license? Did I give you permission to drive? Was my 11 month old daughter in the car? Am I an idiot for handing the keys to a 13 year old who wants to learn to drive? The emergency plan had been for her to bring Lili to the car seat and listen to music until she fell asleep. YIKES!!! Stress from a world that doesn't accept and embrace my daughter and motherhood with open minds, and arms. Stress from a dysfunctional in law situation that causes disappointment over and over. Stress from a week of busting my a double snakes. Now stress from a $500 deductible that we cannot afford.

Moving on from griping, I was remarkably centered during te whole dramatic evening. Miss Shay was overwhelmed with guilt and I wasn't mad. It's kind of weird because the one time I got really mad at her was at a buffet when she kept taking way more then she could ever eat (3 plates full) after I had told them to take a little and come back so we wouldn't waste. Last night I was calm, I told her what she needed to do from tonight, was to learn, to learn the many lessons that can some from this, I know I have. I won't go into my whole lecture, diatribe. I am grateful that no one was hurt, and that kept things into perspective.

Long winded, I love to type. Jobe is coming over tonight and we are going to see an opera. I cannot wait to spend some time together. Smiles, must go shower before I give this girl multiple bear hugs.

Apr. 16th, 2004 12:58 pm It's official

I am out, to two people now with my livejournal name. Welcome friends, I love you all. Anyway I have been superduper busy working on this theater production. It has been inspiring in so many ways, talented youth with profound ways of speaking truth. To of my friends want us to create a socially active, performing arts, educational facility. I am in the process of scrounging up scholarships for school next semester. I am also hoping that my inability to be separated from Lili during these productions is not indicative of my grad. career. I will find a way to figure it all out somehow. I need to shout out props to my moms because she watched Lili all week as my show went up and Her papa's show went up. All right, now that I have this as a communication tool, I will be more proactive in my entries. Looking forward to seeing Hmmmm what is my lj name for you, in honor of OLJ I'll call you jo, if that's okay.

Apr. 6th, 2004 08:40 pm Going Public

I have decided to come out of my live journal closet and use my journal as a way to communicate socially with my friends. I had originally wanted a space to process the depths of my worries and hash out my endless thoughts. However I have not honored myself by writing enough to keep it as that. I suppose the three pages I hand write everyday sort of serve that purpose.

Mar. 19th, 2004 08:53 pm

Better mood today, then yesterday. Some snuggle time with my two beloveds K and K on the couch. So proud of little man for making the choice to turn off melee. Brought mother grocery shopping she is growing weaker and weaker as her lungs rebel. Yet she reaches for her next cigarette despite the obvious connection between it and her fastly approaching death. I don't mean to be so morbid, I am just being real. Proud of the fact that I am writing two days in a row, "you go girl" Hours on line scouring through scholarship databases. Be back.

Mar. 18th, 2004 06:39 pm The precipice

It has certainly been a while. Do I spend the next five minutes catching up, or start from here, start with today? I guess it was the events of the day that propelled me to once again return to my lj so I will start with today. I spent the first couple of hours this morning with E who is dying. E has had cancer for a while, a cancer that metastasized and has rendered her to the bed for months and months. She was given a week to live last week, and is still hanging on. I have known her children for years, and her grandchildren also. It is hard, for in the community she is well loved, and almost seen as a hero. She started a group with children and has traveled with them to another country. There she is revered as a hero also. She has done a lot of good. At the same time, there is this other side of her, that is wounded so comes out as mean and vengeful. She used to abuse her now grown children. I myself was a teenager at the time, so I did my best to support my friend, but didn't know much more then that. I know that E was just passing on that which was given to her as she was beaten with electric cords, and made to brave the forests barefoot. It is just confusing. Is her cancer the unresolved anger eating her away? My mother gets so upset when I ponder this possibility, she also holds a lot of judgment toward E and is not as forgiving as I am. I don't know, but as I was sitting with her today, holding my life (my baby) in one hand, and holding death in the other. Standing on the precipice between life and death, I wonder if I still have a choice. I lived the majority of my life knowing the date of my death, for I needed that control, that certainty. I know have given that control to a force bigger then me. I also have the responsibility of being someone's mommy, and no matter how bad it gets, I don't think I would ever do that to my little one. How can a child ever heal after a parent takes their life. I wish I had never learned this coping mechanism, but it was handed to me, or shoved down my throat, by a depressed, suicidal at times, unstable mother. Many gifts were given to me from her, my strength, my independence, but also some of the things that tortured her. I will not, I repeat, I will not pass this on to little girl, no matter what. Life and death, I feel I live both in each moment. Ugh this new vulnerability, knowing that my death would hurt the ones I love most. Anyway, I am far from needing to die, but I have been surrounded by death, and I wonder what lesson is in there for me. I miss my brother. Peace.

Jan. 31st, 2004 11:54 am Cracking Veneer

I am amazed at how many days can go slipping by without an entry. Me little miss, "I am going to post everyday" So much has happened in the past week or so, but know that that will always be the case. Today I will process some unpleasant feelings I have for a pleasant person. It's just one of those things that I can't explain. I am not sure why, I have explored many reasons. Is it envy, is it different worldage, what it is. I like most people so to have this one person under my skin is not so comfortable. I have a relationship with them, so it is something that keeps coming up. I know that I often feel excluded when they are present, for my connection is new and the other is old. I also know that sometimes they can be patronizing, another feeling that doesn't feel so great. Perfect packages that project prissy pretension. Phony friends fien for fools, how long will I be a fool. When will I crack open this version of kinship and show others how I keep it real? Perhaps never, for it takes an energy and a desire to truly connect with the other. I happen to be blessed with many bosom buddies, ones my soul truly feel comfortable with and perhaps they are who I should focus on, not the superficial soul stealers. I know this wounds harse, but my soul is wrapped up in the rejection and pain, so it is in some ways being stolen from focusing on the important things in life. Like love, and peace, and music, and connecting...

Jan. 13th, 2004 12:43 pm

Back again, after a longer separation then I'd like. Wanted to turn to you last night my friend, but hesitated using this as a venting vessel. I mean, it is important that I express myself as to where I am at in the moment sometimes. I thin perhaps the frustration comes somewhat from being overtired. I brought the rose to court today, ending up being continued until later. Now I am here with Lala who is the love of my life. She is absolutely the greatest. Speaking of which, she calls, I will return. Thank you.

Jan. 12th, 2004 05:08 pm Beginnings

Today is the day. My first day of the live journal culture/entry. I tried to pledge my allegiance to the Oprah journal on line especially when I discovered that there was a price to live journal unless invited. Now it seems that I can have a free journal here, without an invite, which feels nice that I do not have to be invited. So much to say, and so much to do. It is still unclear to me about how I will utilize this wonderful blog. I am here to purge my thoughts, and express myself, without trying to impress anyone. For all I know, I am the sole reader of my journal entries. There in lies the question, do I let my wonderful friends know about my site, or do I keep it a secret. Is this a place for me to secrete my secrets or is this a place to communicate, and can it be both? One thing is for sure, I will never want for words, I have the gift of rambling. As whoever knows me, is well aware of. Perhaps I will personify you journal and write to you as my best friend. I will be back soon.

2 comments:

Unknown said...: Thanks Jazzygirl. Great post. For me, my passion is about mens' overcoat and I'm exploring fashion.; 4:23 AM
Alinda said...: First off, I would like to say that I think you are a wonderful man. You are a truly an inspiration by the way you help people. The spell you cast to make Julius realize his feelings for me worked faster than I could have hoped for. He came to me 2days after you have casted the spell and told me everything I had been hoping to hear. I can not thank you more.... Now I can finally stop crying tears of pain and cry tears of joy! He is wonderful to me. Thanks Dr. Lametu of Ancientspiritualtemple@gmail.com; 11:15 PM

Hala

Monday, June 16, 2008

jazzygirlhal livejournal posts

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