Long time gone

So much has happened since that last blog...

Guess I will start with the here and now and perhaps someday work backwards. I contemplated starting another blog, but this was my fifth as it was, so why have six false starts at blogging life?

Last night Khalila got her first stitches. She hit her forehead on the radiator while I was at work. The wound could be mistaken for Harry Potter scar, or the mark of a unicorn. Kevon has a unicorn mark on his forehead too from saving Khalila from a far years ago. Wow, did I just say that, years ago when referring to my baby girl, how did she get to be five and where are her little brothers and sisters?

I will post pictures soon.

Khalila Quotes with long explainations

"Mama, you can't eat your poop, you can't eat your poop because it is poisonous" (I don't know where she had this conversation, but she must have learned this from somewhere)

"I want to have a party, I think it should be a Howler Monkey party and they could invite Chinstrap penguins." I know I may have heard about Howler monkeys, but definitely haven't heard of the chinstrap penguins. I knew her intelligence would surpass mine, I just didn't know she would be three when it happened. :) We have Diego to thank for her intimate knowledge of other animals that are not in North America.

I also hoped to raise her with a broader knowledge about groups. I learned a cow was a cow, never knew there were Jersey cows, Milking Devon cows, and Holstein Cows. A horse was a horse, and a tree was a tree. I knew the green apples were granny smiths, but the red ones were all just apples. I want Khalila to know more of the specific names and even descriptions. Knowledge opens worlds, and I am determined to give her as much as I can. Luckily she gets it from other places or else a penguin would still be a penguin and a monkey just that, a monkey.

Yesterday she found me crying in the office (she is waking up earlier and earlier) and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sad, for it is good for her to learn that you can be sad, express it, and move through it. I want her to have a healthy relationship with her feelings. I know it is also a balance, for my mother went into the land of over share with us (I am depressed and want to kill myself, I don't want to live, I can't find a reason to keep me here) Of course that is a valid feeling to move through but at six it's kinda hard to process. So I keep it simple, and will work hard to not let her feel it is her fault or that she is not worthy. She asked why I was sad and I told her that I couldn't get a baby in my uterus. After my long winded introduction to her quote her it is she said
" I can help you with your uterus, I can help you make a baby, I can get the baby in the uterus." She is the best, I am so blessed.

Inpiration

My children inspire me daily, and often times many times throughout the day.

One of my guys gets up everyday at 5:30am and we go to the gym for 6 when it opens. On those days when I don't get to bed until 2 or 3, I might try to imply we have a break day, but by the end we ultimately end up going and I know if it weren't for him I would be sound asleep.

Little Man Tate, who by the way is almost as tall as me. Is it time to rock the heels 24/7 or acknowledge that I am not as tall as I might like to think I am and that he is growing up, as 7th grade is just around the corner.
He inspires me to look at the world through that confident lens equipt with the knowledge that I can do anything I put my mind to.

Little Missy, keeps me inspired to see the best in humanity, she renews that faith. Her compassion, while at an age when she is actively taking in everything the world gives her and processessing it at a speed that makes me dizzy. She has the ability to be present for others and yet for herself at the same time with a healthy balance.

Miss Mama who at sixteen has just birth the most beautiful blessing ever inspires me in my own motherhood. I see her embracing her daughter and motherhood much the way I did (go attachment parenting) I am proud to have been that model in her life for the other mothers in her life struggle with addiction and are unable to give of themselves in the way a baby needs.

Profound Gratitude

I was named "Grateful flower of the heart" when I took the mindfulness training of Thich Naht Hanh. I have been grateful for many a things but recently I have shifted it to a gratitude for everything, my extra bulges, my toothache, my bills. It is a freeing process that has me happier then I have ever been. I am learning from the Secret about the law of attraction and putting out gratitude and thankfulness. I am surrounded by blessings and have the energy and desire to give back and heal. I have always been there, but often gave so much I kept nothing for myself and would sometimes get drained. Now I seem to have enough energy, and time to take care of myself.

Khalila's story

Khalila dictated a story last month and here it is

Monster’s in Village Park

There are monsters that live at Village Park they are Black and White and live in tree’s the babies are triangles and they eat milk from the hole in my tummy. It tickles. The Mommy monsters are rectangles and they live in palm tree’s they are mean and growl. The mommy monster eat flashlights, radios, and bags. The mommies name is Curtains. The Daddy monsters name Hagapa and he is nice and lives in the tree’s he is in the shape of a circle. He eats drawers, peaches, and balls. The girl monster was named Haka and the boy monsters were named Paco, Taco, and Tapo. And the girl monster had sisters named Paca, Taka and Daka.

The Treasure Monsters fall in the water. They got eaten by another monster that swims in the ocean. He started to eat them and he started to growl at them. And they started to eat them in his throat.

The End


We used to live in Village Park four moves ago. She might have been cross with me as the mommy moster is mean and growls, I don't growl, I never even yell.

The other day when I wouldn't let her wear only her gymnastics tights to school (hello winter) she said she didn't want to live with me anymore and she wanted to live with her old family. Adorable.

Her story about six months ago was a bit disturbing

The ghost is scaring a mom. I cut the skin of the people with my fingers. They liked it too much so I used the scissors. They were being too loud so I poured salt on them and they were quiet.

Her stories are getting more descritive.

The Four Agreements

There is all this wisdom that has been written about, thought about, talked about for thousands of years. The Four Agreements written by Don Miguel Ruiz taps into Toltec wisdom and it puts old messages into a new package. Truthfully when I read it it reminds me of wisdom presented by Buddha, Thich Naht Hanh, the bible, Emmanuel, and many other wise ones. More recently I am loving the Secret and working towards living my life surrounded by gratitude and positivity. I still love the simplicity of the four agreements and got this book recently for a friend who was struggling with some things. Here they are as written by Don Miguel Ruiz, his book goes into much more depth but here is the recap.

Be Impeccable with your word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't take anything personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What thers say and do is a projection of their own reality, their opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment, it will be different when you are healthy, as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply o your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

I find myself needing to remember the middle two the most. Not taking things personally and not making assumptions and reading more into things. I will post more about the secret and how it is transforming my life.

Little love of my life

I just love Khalila like there is no tomorrow.
Spending January with her was amazing, when I wasn't packing, moving, unpacking, tending to others, etc...
We spent a lot of time learning, and she scares me with her eagerness for knowledge.
That combined with being the daughter of two educators makes for a fun time.
I am worried she is going too fast, as she is writing letters, doing phonics, starting to read, knows simple addition, and has memorized many of the bones of the body. She is going to start swimming lessons, and dance lessons, and has just started piano with me so maybe she can focus on that on not get so far ahead that kindergarten is boring for her. It's that space of not wanting to hold her back, and not wanting to push her ahead.

The other day she told Josh "Daddy get your gluteus maximus down here." Her favorite game is either house where she is the Mama and takes care of her babies, sometimes I get to be the baby, sometimes I am the babysitter. Tell me how she gave me a list of 11 things to do with the babies while she was in California. She also loves tea party time.

I need to document more of her life with the video and stills. The time is aflyin and before I know it she will be in high school.

Auntie A is 37 weeks and ready for baby number four. Miss S, Va and Vi are all 34 weeks. I am to be at three of the births, so I anticipate being one busy mama supporter.

As for my infertility, there is no getting over the heartbreak and the not understanding why but I have put it away for awhile. The pain was too much to bear on a daily basis. Khalila is finally asking me to have a baby, so I guess I have been thinking about it a bit. The exercise will help my PCOS by regulating my insulin. So I have not lost hope. Then of course there is always IVF, but right now we don't have health insurance, so that option won't be an option for a while.

Here is one of holiday pictures that didn't make the card. The guys are great and Khalila has so much fun.

I am honoring my exercise resolution more this year then I have since Khalila. My resolution started off vague in terms of "have a healthy body that is balanced, in shape, and well taken care of" What I have translated part of that to doing an average of 30 minutes of cardio a day. My cholesterol is seven points above what is the most it should be. Also with my insulin resistance due to the poly cystic ovarian syndrome I am in danger of becoming diabetic. This commitment to exercise will help with the insulin levels and the cholesterol. Some of the boys and I get up at 5:30am every morning and get to the gym for 6:00am which is when it opens. Soon I will add strength training.

I was going to try to do 90 workouts in 90 days but given the busy nature of my life, and any other excuse I can find, that may be an impossible task. However it takes three weeks to create a habit and this is the beginning of my third week. I am hoping to go to Bikram yoga tomorrow to see how it fits with me. I love yoga, and I love heat, so let's see if I love the two together.

We are settled back in to our old house. It is so nice to be home. Khalila is about to start preschool again. She has missed it terribly and I kept her out hoping to spend time with her. We have spent time, but I have been distracted by moving, unpacking, sitting in the ER, taking care of my mother... However we have made some time for playing house, arts and crafts, ice skating, practicing letters, and dancing around. We still have to get to the Eric Carle museum and the Butterfly museum. Life is good, and I am blessed, every moment of every day.

Yesterday Khalila asked me if we could go visit Heaven. In that split second the tears threaten to make their presence known. She has been talking about Heaven a lot lately, probably with the anniversary of my brother's death recently. When she asked me where Heaven was I gave her the long winded explanation of "some people believe Heaven is somewhere up in the sky. Others believe it is all around is in the miracles of the grass growing or your laugh, and some people believe that it is in our hearts. You get to decide where and what you believe Heaven is."

I am one of those weird ones that teaches her the baby grows in your uterus and that though we like to say and imagine that the sun rises and sets, that actually the earth is spinning and that causes the sun to shine on different parts of the earth. I think this comes from learning constructivist education and how a part of teaching is unlearning misconceptions. She puts up with me and my idiosyncrasies.

I have done it, I have finally kept my commitment to myself and gotten up and to the gym for 6:00am and worked out. Four of the guys came with me this morning, and it felt great. Of course I got dizzy and felt lightheaded, somehow I have neglected aerobic activity for too long. However with my insulin resistance and my disposition to diabetes, I need exercise more now then ever. I promised my brother last night that I would do it, and when it was time to wake up after only four hours sleep, I made no excuses that would allow me to roll over and fall back asleep, up I got.

Khalila isn't in school for January, it's kinda of the collegiate school. She could have gone since Josh is taking a class but I wanted to spend some time with her, now that my job has ended. Yesterday while restocking the house while at Costco, I had to use the lavatory. She wanted to stay in the carriage and I told her that she needed to come with Mama so she could be safe. Her response in teenage fashion was "I'm not going to get lost, blah, blah, blah."

She cracks me up daily and i defend her to all the brothers who believe she should be spanked, as it worked for them. I defend my stance and am dedicated to taking the time and patience to do it the long way with explanation. I personally was raised around abuse, so I know I am super sensitive to it, but violence will not make her feel good about herself or teach her healthy ways of communicating. She has done nothing too offensive, side from telling me she was going to smack me in the face at the Chinese restaurant the other day. The guys were all talking about smacking, and she was frustrated. So I understand why she expressed herself. She didn't hit me, she talked about it. So we talked about how she was feeling and that threatening violence wasn't loving or safe.

We are off, still running and running, will breathe soon and be at peace. This is the forth time we have moved in 8 months, and does my back feel it. The last two moves have been double house moves. This house is considered to have 27 rooms, I'd say we don't use 5 of them that are in the attic where the scholars lived in the 70's. Still enough for me to be overwhelmed and exhausted. Whie being so grateful to be back home and blessed with all those I love.

Catching Up

So much has happened since my last post. Let me see, I will write about

the holidays,
Mother's pneumonia and car accident
Deval Patrick's inauguration
Moving back home

but I have to unpack Khalila's room, so I will be back later.

Kwanzaa

In the midst of chaos there was a moment of beauty. Kwanzaa at Amherst College was a moment for me with so much beauty and so many motivational messages. One high light was they guys drumming for the event. Khalila couldn't resist being with her brothers so she took a seat next to Z and started shaking her stick, on cue. Thank you to the community at Amherst College and especially Dean Moss for putting together such an amazing Kwanzaa. I laughed, I cried, I got outraged, I got inspired, I got connected. Lift every voice and sing...





Here is another shot of the guys drumming for Ms. Marilyn and extraordinary dancer.

Here are the seven principles of Kwanzaa


NGUZO SABA(The Seven Principles)

Umoja (Unity)To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility)To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Nia (Purpose)To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kuumba (Creativity)To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani (Faith)To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

­ Maulana Karenga



Khalila came through a challenging birth, in some ways, and although we were close to a c-section she was determined to be birthed through the canal. We were thinking about making her middle name Kuji for her self-determination but there is already one Kuji in Amherst so we went for Imani, faith. Also giving her the middle initial i creates khalila and her name is a combination of my initials hal, and her initials kila.

So very punished as it has been ages since my last post.
My fifteen hour days leave me depleted or energy and creativity.
I will reclaim that and give more room for my voice.


A couple of recaps for the past month.


We are still in our new house, the lead is almost abated at the other place.

Here is a picture taken from the house that is being worked on.



Project 2050 performed in NYC for Universes 10th anniversary
Here are my girls, Nene, Amira, and Miss Liz getting ready for our show. I love these girls so much, they are my long lost little sisters and I can't even imagine the past year with out them.

We celebrated our Thankful day on Friday, as is our usual custom. This year we did not go to the day of mourning in Plymouth, but instead went to the annual "Battle of the Bridge" a football game between Amherst and Northampton. On of our guys was playing, and it was the coldest, rainiest day I have ever spent at a football game. I enjoyed hanging out with his mother and sister during the game. As the two little ones played in the car. Although we lost, Mr. T. got the MVP for the game.

Ladies sing your heart(s) out

That was the title of the show we went and saw in New York this weekend. Khalila's great grandparents were in the show. She calls them Bubbe and Poppoppop, expanded a bit from the original Poppop. The play was all about an audition and it was set in the 40's. I happen to be a fan of much of that music, so I enjoyed lipsynching a bit. We all laughed as it was hilarious, also entertaining. During intermission Lili jumped up onstage and grabbed the Clark Gable photo and started singing "I love you, I love you" imitating the actress who had held the photo and sang "You made me love you" and she did some dancing and other imitations.

They were happy to have Khalila there. It was a hard weekend as they had a memorial service for a dear friend and wonderful man named Roger. Prayers to his family and friends. Bubbe and Poppop are so inspiring and absolutely wonderful, they are in their 80's and work out everyday, in this show that runs 9 times, and members of many many things. I love them dearly and am grateful that they are in my life, and particularly glad Khalila has them as great grandparents. All of my grandparents died before Khalila decided to bless my life so I have no great grandparents to give her.

Hallo-Hallo-Halloween was so much fun. A busy day, as we were Deval Patrick on the same day but we managed to get out there for some trick-or-treating. We brought two other people with us, an 11 year old and a 14 year old from the house. Kevon had already been out there for two hours, so we didn't end up going with him, he went with his friends.

Little Miss Lili was so adorable. She was a fire fighting ballerina and I love the contrasts of the two and how beautifully they go together. She is fearless, strong, and helpful to others like the characteristics of a fire fighter. While she also embodies artistic expression, grace, and flexibility like the characteristics of a ballerina. Of course this is not to box in either one of these professions, and to acknowledge that fire fighters and ballerinas are many things and many characteristics and personalities.

After Khalila would say her trickortreat and get her gift, she would say to every person "thank you, happy halloween" and don't let the house have a dog, because then she didn't even care about the candy, she was all about "oh, a doggie, can I pet your dog, I want to say hello to the dog" sometimes forcing herself into the house.

Deval Patrick

Deval Patrick is an alumni of the A Better Chance program, of which I am the resident mother at the program in my town. Deval came to the house last spring and had dinner. On Tuesday he was scheduled to speak at Umass and the ABC house was invited to sit on stage behind him while he spoke. I know that Deval has made mistakes in the past, but I really like who he is now and what he stands for.

I had a lot of fun being a part of that, and it is great for my guys to see that in a country where more men of color go to jail then to college, and where the achievement gap is so wide, that they can prevail and reach their dreams.

The move

Last week was spent packing up our house, our belongings, to be moved into the new dorm section of the house for the month or so that the house undergoes repairs. The house is to be deleaded, the roof replaced, the barn demolished, and if we are lucky we may get new floors in the kitchen and diningroom.

On Saturday there was a moving party, about 10 volunteers gathered by the United way, and our guys and some help from members of the board brought us up to about 25-30. Many hands make light the work, well in this case, make the work possible. Our house is huge and was full, and now, it stands empty. We moved into a five bedroom that Amherst College has been generous enough to let us use free of charge.

The new house is absolutely beautiful and has the best view in Amherst, I will post pictures eventually. Poor little missy though, she has had a lot of changes lately. She is adjusting well, I just hope long term, she doesn't feel unable to settle down or something. I will have faith.

A wonderful weekend, that now seems so far away.

On Sunday four of the guys and I went to Six Flags Fright Fest. I haven't been to Six Flags before. I used to go when this amusement park was called Riverside and the biggest ride was the cyclone. Now the park has grown and is about five times bigger. We brought the twin's mother to the bus station in Hartford first. I call these two the twin's, not to take away their individuality or respect that they are different people, but to have more anonymity in a sense.

Six Flags was so fun. In a way I felt I was being irresponsible due to the higher incidence of traumatic brain injury and brain damage that happens due to rollercoaster riding. I want to be all the mother I can be for my little ones, but I took the risk and rode them anyway. We rode Batman, Mind Eraser, Flashback, rides that I don't remember the names of and of course Superman. The lines weren't that long and Superman was worth the wait. When I find the digital camera I will post the picture of four of us on the Superman. I felt energized and invigorated by the day. The marketing of the theme park was a bit obnoxious. The time with the guys, was priceless. We walked through haunted mazes which weren't really scary, but there was this one moment when Z was looking up at this alien and a short actor was standing underneath his vision, when he finally looked down, she made him holler and jump. W and I watched as this went down and it was fun. Also dancing with the "cannibals" was a fun moment in time. At first I wanted to be offended by the stereotype of the cannibal, but one of my guys started dancing and we all started. Much fun...

A wonderful weekend was had part one.

Although it was as busy as can be. It started with baking 60 mini heart apple pies for wedding favors. That was a lot of fun to do with the bride, her mother, her friend and Angelica. The kids played together and avoided mini meltdowns and dramas. Until of course it was time to leave, and then they were sad. Friday was the rehearsal and dinner for the wedding. Little Miss Khalila was invited to be the flower girl, so we got to be apart of the happenings. After the rehearsal dinner, I rushed to see Kl's play at the high school. Then wait up for the football players and find out about the game and the like. Late night talking with my guys.

Wedding day, Khalila made a perfect flower girl, I was so proud of her. The wedding was beautiful, a lot of music, a lot of tears, and ohhhh noooo I didn't remember the tissue. Then Khalila was a part of the picture taking and of to the reception where the wedding party was announced for the guests and Khalila entered with the bride's two year old son and four year old nephew. How adorable were they. Then the dancing with Jor-jor on the dance floor. What a wonderful night. My only complaint would be that I had to leave before I really got my dance on because I wanted to support my ABC son in his play. So off we went. To a wonderful performance of Zoology, then spending time with the twins, and his mother who had come from NY to see her sone perform. Life is so good to me right now. Husband was away all weekend at a meditation retreat so I was basically a single mom, but no worries, we get along just fine.

Taking a picture of Amina throwing leaves when all of the sudden a Kevon decided to dive in front of the camera.




Hours of fun spent in the leaves...


Glorious Fall Days

Sun shining on my face as my eyes feast on the beauty of this area. The leaves are alive so vibrantly, just like in the spring when they come and announce their majesty. Only now the green is replace by reds, oranges, yellow, and every shade in between. Last weekend was our annual fall foliage fundraiser. We had more walkers then ever before, 350 to 400 people came out. This is so important since the pressure is on to raise $125,000 more then we usually do for the lead abatement, new roof and barn razing.

Tell me how it's been almost a week since my last entrance. I keep intending to write but... life is so busy.

Last weekend was the first weekend the guys at the house went to their host family's for the weekend. S was here for half of the weekend, which was nice to catch up. She and her best friend are pregnant, they are both sixteen and have not birthed any children yet, so I am offering my advice for healthy pregnancy and not being afraid of birthing.

My last blog knew of my struggle with infertility for 3 1/2 years but this blog has yet to hear my ramblings. I have known of well over 100 pregnancies since my struggling and then stopped counting, it was too painful. I can't help wonder about the irony of the universe as it continues full on. This one having her second abortion this year, that one pregnant with her fifth, this one giving birth to two crack babies in the same year. At the football game the other day, I was surrounded by five pregnant women. No lie, two on each side and one standing in front of us. How much more can the universe get in my face about my infertility. My mother claims it is for the greater good and that I am meant for something larger then the birth of another child. I disagree and know that all of my children will fuel my passion to help others, not take away from it. I hope to adopt four and beg and pray that I may birth one more. Only time shall tell.

Back on track-We have an RV in the driveway for Khalila and I to sleep in due to the lead liability. We had five contractors in last Monday and will have bids next week, so that we can figure out how much it will cost, and how long it will take. So life is moving along and the work, including a new roof, may be done end of November, or middle of December.